Internal Motivations of People Pleasers

Before I even get started, I have to say I wish there was a better term to use than “people-pleaser.”

It feels a little derogatory, and yet, if I tried to use something different, you might never find this article.

Nobody calls people pleasers “people who please others” or “people who give ‘til it hurts” or “people who are selfless to a fault.” If you are looking for articles on google, you probably wouldn’t think to type anything like that into the search bar.

So I am sticking with the term people pleaser, and I just want you to know I recognize that it falls short in truly describing someone who exhibits people-pleasing behaviors.

So, what is a people pleaser?

I define people pleasers as people who constantly meet the needs of others at the expense of their own needs. They are driven by certain internal motivations that cause a desire to please others to become a need to please others.

Pleasing others, helping them, is a good thing, right?

It’s true, our world would be a much nicer place if more people did this!

Our culture rewards people pleasers. There are always things to do, always volunteer opportunities, so many needs to meet, so many demands coming at us in the workplace and in the home. Those who somehow do it all get the accolades.

It is a good thing to think of others and even to make sacrifices for others.

It is a good thing to shoot for excellence and be an active member of society.

It is one’s internal motivations that draw the line between being a caring, giving, successful, productive person and being a people pleaser.

People pleasers are motivated by

• Trying to control the thoughts of others

• Defining personal worth by the approval of others

• Avoiding conflict at all costs

Before I unpack those motivations, I want to emphasize that people pleasing is a learned behavior.

It started as a way to cope.

Despite what a lot of things on the internet say, this behavior is not always the result of having narcissistic parents.

You may have developed people pleasing behaviors because:

• It was the unspoken atmosphere of your childhood (because it was the unspoken atmosphere of your parents’ childhood, and their parents’ childhood…)

• Someone was excessively critical towards you in your childhood (could be a parent, could be a sibling, a teacher, kids at school, etc.)

• Someone rejected or abandoned you and you internalized that as your fault

• You were humiliated for being different

• Someone else in the family had needs or emotions that seemed bigger than yours

People pleasing behaviors develop because we were in situations in which it did not feel safe to express our own thoughts, feelings, or needs.

This feels particularly scary because as humans, we are hard-wired to be in relationship with others. We have an innate need for love and belonging.

To belong, to feel loved, we have to be vulnerable enough to be seen.

If you learned that being yourself, being seen, was going to have negative consequences, you learned to morph into being who you thought others wanted you to be.

You were trying to fit in.

You were coping. Because this kind of coping actually worked, it generated some internal motivations that has kept you in these behaviors.

Internal motivations of a people pleaser

Trying to control the thoughts of others

People pleasing is similar to perfectionism this way. In fact, the two often (but not always) go hand-in-hand.

You may put pressure on yourself to do things perfectly or be the best because that way you can make sure that others think highly of you.

If you are nice to everyone, you can indirectly control how others think of you so that nobody can speak badly about you.

If you never do anything wrong, you will never be blamed for anything, and you have some control over whether people think you are someone who does the right thing.

This kind of thinking has many applications to ourselves but also extensions to those around us.

I have to look good and eat healthy food and always be productive and be in a good mood so that people will think I have got it together.

If my husband is dressed well and my kids behave, and my house is clean, and I volunteer for all the school activities, then people will think I am a good wife and mom.

Defining personal worth by the approval of others

It is not uncommon for people pleasers to experience a low sense of self-esteem. They are quick to assume they fall short when compared to others and go to extreme measures to prove their value.

If I do enough for others, I will feel like I am good enough.

If I have disappointed someone, I am not good enough. There is something wrong with me, I am inadequate.

Criticism or negative feedback hurts this person deeply, because the meaning attached to the criticism becomes “I am not good enough” instead of “I made a mistake.” Or “I can do that better next time.”

Avoiding conflict at all costs

For the person who experienced conflict as something unsafe, it becomes very important to control anything that comes close to conflict.

You don’t make waves.

You learn that it is easier to not have emotions or needs.

Setting boundaries is out of the question.

It is hard to say no to people.

Sometimes you apologize for things that are not your fault, just because you want to keep the peace.

These internal motivations can combine or overlap. It has been my experience that people who exhibit people pleasing behaviors often experience all three of these internal motivations to keep others happy.

I know this way of coping feels normal.

When people pleasing becomes a way of life, you don’t even realize you are doing it. You learn to wait and listen to the opinions of other people so you know what you should think and do not even try to consider what you actually think.

You just think you are a low-maintenance, go-with-the-flow type. You may even pride yourself on being this way, because you know you are easy to get along with.

Coping by people pleasing may not be working so well anymore.

You may feel empty and anxious. And resentful, because people are not reciprocating your generous efforts or expressing appreciation.

You may be surrounded by people, but still feel alone because those people do not really know you. If someone likes you, they like the carefully curated version of you that you show them.

You do not have a way of knowing whether they like the real you.

You may not even know the real you.

It is hard to develop a sense of identity if you are always shifting to be what you think others want you to be.

I will be focusing on people pleasing this month to let you know that there is hope.

There is another way of interacting with yourself, your loved ones, our culture.

You do not have to make everyone else happy all the time.

In fact, you can’t make everyone happy all the time!

Please keep checking back to read additional blogs in this series, and feel free to give me a call if you want to unpack the origins of your people pleasing behaviors.

When you know what your internal motivations are and where they come from, it’s easier to catch yourself in people pleasing behaviors and learn to respond differently.

Jennie Sheffe is a National Certified Counselor ™ who helps women find freedom from anxiety and peace in their chaos. She sees clients virtually in the state of Pennsylvania, or in her Carlisle, PA office. She offers Christian counseling and EMDR Therapy.