If you are a Christian, you may be feeling a little unsettled about what I have already said about people-pleasing because it seems to go against our faith.

We are called, by God, to serve others in sacrificial ways, yes?

Isn’t it selfish to set boundaries around helping people?

For your consideration, I would offer that too often, we add things to what we think the Bible says and cling to those things without really taking a hard look at what God is calling us to. We can get legalistic and camp out in extreme, black-and-white thinking and miss God’s purpose for us entirely.

We can hide our less-than-godly motives underneath our generous gifts of time and energy towards others.

As Christians, we want to serve others, because when we are doing this we believe we are serving God.

We know that our works do not save us, but we are overflowing with love and gratitude towards God. Serving others is a way to express that.

It is also a way to help others get a tiny glimpse of the love God has for them.

However, our sinful natures can twist this into something that is not actually serving God but serving ourselves.

Our motivations can mirror those internal motivations of people pleasers that I wrote about last week.

We try to control their opinions of us.
Our actions become less about serving God and more about getting people to think we are “Good Christians.”
We feel a sense of worth because we did something people think is good.
We may be so caught up with the idea of gratitude towards God that our acts of service to others become a way we try to earn God’s love. To feel worthy of it, somehow.
We keep the peace by going along with what we think others want instead of risking conflict.
We can take the concept of not grumbling (Phil 2:14-15) and generalize it as an excuse to avoid all conflict. We glorify being a peacekeeper at the expense of engaging in necessary conflict. Sometimes this leads us to align with something that directly goes against what God wants for us.

I have been a Christian for a long time, and I haven’t seen anything in the Bible that tells me I should do everything that other people want me to do.

Not even Jesus did that.

He could have spent time with the crowds 24/7, healing every single person and constantly teaching.

Sure, He did a lot of that, but He had to rest sometimes. He took time away from the crowds to spend with just his close circle of disciples. He even got away from them to spend time with God the Father (Luke 5:16). He certainly devoted His time and energy to other people before he sacrificed His life for others by dying on the cross, but He was deliberate and intentional in who, when, and how He helped.

Jesus knew what He was called to do, and He served God by serving others within those parameters.

Of course Jesus, in His infinite wisdom, knew exactly what kind of help each person needed. We do not always know that perfectly, but we can follow Jesus’ example in addressing our people pleasing tendencies.

Bible verses to keep people-pleasing in check

Romans 12: 4, “For as in one body we have many members, and the members do not all have the same function.”

God equips us with different gifts, and these gifts get used in different ways, at different times.

We do not have to say yes to everything, because when we do that we do not have the time or energy to say yes to things that use our God-given gifts.

I remember doing some volunteer work to put together a retreat for a women’s ministry (before I worked on my people pleasing stuff). I was doing all kinds of stuff because I wanted this retreat to be perfect. I did not delegate, because I didn’t want to ask for help. I had the skills to do that thing, why not? I wanted people to think I was competent and talented. Asking for help just didn’t fit that vibe.

My kitchen was filled with little vases as I made beautiful centerpieces, and one of my kids asked me, “Why can’t someone else’s mommy make the flowers?”

Ouch.

I had become so wrapped up in putting this retreat together that I was out of balance and ignored the more important calling God had placed on my life in that season of life.

Matthew 11:28-30, “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

When we are doing what God calls us to do, it is do-able to carry that burden. He shares the load with us, if we let Him.

Going back to my retreat example…I had the skills to do the flowers, and some speaking, and make the powerpoint slides, and run the craft activities, and make the party favors, and go early to set up, but was God calling me to do that? I think He was calling me to plan the thing, and maybe be there for setup, but everything else was something I could have asked someone else to do.

That would have been easier.

Galatians 1:10, “For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.”

This is a great question to ask ourselves when we spend time with God. When understand our own motives, we can determine whether we are truly serving God or whether we are serving ourselves. People pleasing seems to serve others but the underlying motives are self-serving.

I already shared that I wanted people to think I could handle all of those retreat-planning things like it’s a breeze. That was about me.

Had I delegated, it would have allowed others the chance to let their gifts and talents shine, instead of me hogging the spotlight.

(That spotlight didn’t feel so good after the words from my daughter put me in my place).

And, maybe the different components would have been better, because people involved in each different part would have been focusing only on their piece of it. This would give everybody the bandwidth to really do their part well, instead of me doing a mediocre job on everything because I was spreading myself too thin.

Matthew 10: 29-31, “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? And not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows.”

I know, I am really partial to this verse… it is the namesake of my counseling practice! This is how important I think it is to center our worth right in the middle of God’s love for us.

It is hard to believe that God finds worth in us. But we are valuable to Him. Reminding ourselves of our identity in Him can remind us that we do not have to strive to make others see that value.

Ephesians 4:15, “Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ”

The Bible calls us to speak truth, even if someone doesn’t want to hear it. We are to do this lovingly, but we are to do it.

I have to admit, this one is really hard for me, especially with my kids. I hate telling them stuff they don’t want to hear because I love them so much and think so highly of them. I never want them to question that. However, it is not loving to allow someone to keep going down a bad path that they may not see. As a parent, you have to pick your battles and examine your motives, but staying silent is not always the wisest course of action.

I remember bringing home a boyfriend that nobody in my family liked. I was enamored with him. My mom reluctantly told me what everyone was thinking, and I was so angry at her.

But she was right.

Her words got me thinking about whether their opinion was true, and I started looking at him with a different perspective. It was only a matter of time before I realized this was definitely not the guy for me.

If she had stayed silent because she wanted to keep the peace, who knows what may have happened?

I may not have figured out he was bad news until after a wedding. I would have missed out on my husband (who was the next guy who came along!)

People-pleasing is not selfless, because the motives that draw the line between serving others and people-pleasing are all about self.

God does call us to go the extra mile for other people, but we need to do this with pure motives.

We can honor God by doing for others when we follow Jesus’ example of serving God within the parameters of God’s calling.

We all mess this up sometimes, but when we stay tuned into God’s word and ask Him to help bring our motives to our awareness, we can stay within His plan for our how we spend our time and energy.

This can be a lot to sort out. I am here to do that in a personalized way if you are a woman in PA who wants to work with me. Just give me a call (717) 219-4339 or reach out via my website.

Jennie Sheffe is a National Certified Counselor ™ who helps women find freedom from anxiety and peace in their chaos. She sees clients virtually in the state of Pennsylvania, or in her Carlisle, PA office. She offers Christian counseling and EMDR Therapy.

Bible Verses to Keep People-Pleasing in Check