Communicating Boundaries

Do you find yourself setting boundaries that others seem to ignore completely?

Or not even setting them at all because it fills you with anxious dread to have the conversation in the first place?

Communication about boundaries can make or break their success.

We actually do not have to communicate all boundaries. (I think I just heard a bunch of you breath a collective sigh of relief!)

We can also learn ways to have these types of conversations that help us communicate our boundaries more effectively.

Things to consider in deciding if we need to communicate our boundaries to others:

1.Actions speak louder than words.

It can be redundant to communicate a boundary verbally if you are doing that boundary with your actions.

People who struggle with boundaries are often people who also struggle with people-pleasing. When we struggle in these areas, we also may have the tendency to over-explain. We may feel an automatic urgency to explain our boundaries to other people. This comes from a place of wanting to avoid judgement from others.

We over-explain because we have learned to believe that if people misunderstand our intentions they might not like us/think highly of us/respect us/think we are good and they will reject us.

Usually, we come to this with good reason: this has probably happened to us in the past, maybe multiple times. It hurts. Feeling misunderstood is a terrible feeling, so we want to fully explain ourselves so that cannot happen.

Over-explaining can come across as annoying to others. Announcing your boundary in addition to just doing it may look like a way to draw attention to yourself, or it could even look like you are trying to justify your boundary (and convince yourself that it’s OK to set the boundary) instead of just living your life with that boundary.

Typically, we are already hypersensitive to how our boundaries may come across to others. The last thing we want to do is add unnecessary complexity without even realizing it.

We want to think hard about whether we can effectively communicate the boundary with actions, or if words are also necessary.

2. Boundaries with yourself do not always need to be anyone else’s business.

For example, taking time off from social media does not always require a big announcement. If people in your circle are concerned about your absence on social media, they usually are close enough friends to have another way of reaching out to check on how you are doing (phone, email, face-to-face conversation). Just do it.

Before you call me a hypocrite and remind me that I made an announcement about taking a break from social media last Thanksgiving, know that there are sometimes reasons to do that. In that case, I wanted to model that I practice what I preach. I also was going to be completely absent from social media, as opposed to not posting but still kinda checking in case someone reached out like I do on the weekends. More recently, I dropped back to posting just a couple of times a week for a while. I did not announce that one, I just did it. The point is to know why you are doing what you are doing, and that informs whether you need to say anything about it or not.

What is important to me does not necessarily need to be communicated to everyone else.

This is a good thing to remember when you are trying to decide whether to communicate boundaries verbally or not.

3. Do you need the other person to know why you are setting the boundary?

With some people, it can make things worse to explain your “why.” People who tend to not respond well to the “why” might include:

• Someone who is abusive

• Someone who is not mentally/emotionally healthy

• Someone who is very rigidly set in their ways

• Someone who you think is just never going to “get it”

This is not an exhaustive list, and it’s also not an “always” list. Sometimes it is important to communicate our “why” with a person from this category. I apologize if this comes across as confusing, but sometimes these things are confusing, and can’t be adequately addressed in a blog post aimed at a wide audience. Individual counseling is a much better place to hash out the nuances of someone’s unique situation.

I make this point because we tend to think we are supposed to always communicate them. I mean, communication and boundaries go hand in hand, right? Yes, but it depends.

4. Are you ready to verbally communicate your boundaries?  

We need to consider the other person’s ability to hear and understand the communication of the boundary, but we also need to pay attention to where we are in our own personal growth.

• Someone who is new to setting boundaries may want to test the waters first. Setting a boundary with actions instead of words can offer data on how others respond.  This can help build confidence in setting boundaries, which can be a springboard to setting other boundaries.

• Maybe an action-only boundary is more appropriate than a spoken boundary for someone who is working on refraining from over-explaining because it offers valuable practice with stopping that habit of over-explaining.

• Someone who has been silencing herself for years may need to practice giving herself permission to speak up. Verbally communicating boundaries may be crucial.

• Someone who has been practicing action boundaries with someone who keeps on pushing those very boundaries may need to explicitly communicate why the action boundary is in place.

Once we decide that the boundary needs to be communicated with words as well as actions, we have more to consider in how we go about it.

Things to consider in deciding how we communicate our boundaries with others:

 1.Check your own assumptions

Are you basing the need for a boundary on something that is actually happening, or something you perceive to be happening? Do you have a story in your head about how the person will respond (probably a story from your “worst case scenarios” file)? Take a minute to consider what else might be possible about the situation, the relationship, your anticipated outcome. (My FACETS process is really effective at identifying what is actually going on).

You may need to adjust what you plan to say.

Almost certainly we all could use a minute to remind ourselves to be open to the perspective of other people.

We want this to be a conversation, not just one person broadcasting to another person.

 2. Consider the timing of your conversation

If we are feeling emotionally flooded, the rational, thinking part of our brain goes offline.

This is not a time we want to have a boundary conversation. 

Choose a time when you are not already in the midst of an argument or heated moment. It’s important that you are calm and open. It is best if the other person is, too, but this may not be possible. If you have to set a boundary with someone, maybe it’s because they are hardly ever calm and open. You don’t want to be hung up on finding an opportunity that may never present itself. In this case, you may need to create a boundary about how you are willing to talk to them, and start there. Practice it beforehand so it will roll off your tongue more easily when you have to say something like, “It doesn’t feel safe for us to talk when we are in this state of mind. Let’s calm down and talk about this again in an hour.”

3. Thoughtfully plan a place

This might not require planning, based on the nature of your relationship and the boundary you need to set. Take a moment to at least consider privacy and protection. You want to have privacy to minimize the stress it might place on you or the other person. Do you really want to have this conversation in front of your kids? In front of your extended family? Your husband’s friends?

If that person feels unsafe to you, you need to think through the safety of having that conversation. You may want to pick a public place, like a restaurant. A place like this offers privacy for a conversation but also protection in case the person’s behavior should escalate.

4. Be clear, but kind

I already mentioned the tendency to over-explain. Sometimes we do this to soften the blow. It seems to take a lot of extra words to be kind. Unfortunately, we can lose clarity when we do this.

We also need to avoid over-apologizing (which is something that people who tend to over-explain also tend to do).

Being kind does not mean taking responsibility for things you didn’t do wrong. Apologizing for our boundaries communicates that we do not think we deserve to set them. It muddies the clarity of the message.

You might want to practice before the conversation to try out ways to say what you want to say clearly, with kindness.

5. Include accountability

Last week I mentioned that we need to be willing and able to enforce our boundaries, otherwise they are just requests. Building that accountability into the initial conversation helps us to be strong in actually enforcing the boundary. It also gives the other person an awareness of what will happen, so it becomes their choice instead of your burden.  

6. Keep it focused on your experience

It can particularly effective to use this phrase:  “I feel___________ when you____________ and I need_________.  I’ve written before that boundaries are about us. This phrase keeps it there.

It’s important to remember that the “I feel” statement has to be a feeling. You don’t want to say something like, “I feel like you’re being a jerk.”  Not only is this a thought (not a feeling)  but it isn’t clear, and it isn’t focused on you.

Instead you could say something like, “I feel unloved” which clarifies your feelings and keeps the focus on how you feel (which is something they can’t argue with).   

Ideally, when using this formula for boundaries, you will want to state the action you will take.  It might go something like this:

“I feel embarrassed when you don’t show up to family events and I need to stop owning your behavior. I will no longer make excuses about why you are not there.”

You don’t always have to include the “I need” part. 

“I feel disrespected when you raise your voice and criticize me. I will leave the room if you speak to me like that again.”

While this phrase can be very helpful, it may feel too vulnerable to use “I” statements when setting boundaries. You can say something like,

“I am not ok with this topic of conversation. I will hang up if you continue to talk about it.”

Setting boundaries can feel overwhelming when you are new to it. It gets easier over time, but it can still be anxiety-producing, depending on the relationship and what might be at stake. They can feel more do-able when we remember that not all boundaries need to be overtly communicated. Those that do need to be communicated can go better when you put intentionality into how you have that conversation. Like I mentioned already, the unique issues you face in yourself, your relationship, your stage of life and general circumstances might add great complexity to the act of setting boundaries. It can feel uncomfortable to be in the process of learning to stand up for yourself. Working with a counselor can help you figure out where to start and provide support. If you are a woman in the state of Pennsylvania, give me a call for help with this.

Jennie Sheffe is a National Certified Counselor ™ who helps women find freedom from anxiety and peace in their chaos. She sees clients virtually in the state of Pennsylvania, or in her downtown Carlisle, PA office. She offers Christian counseling and EMDR Therapy.