Marie sits at her laptop, paralyzed. No words come to her mind, because no words could possibly be perfect enough for the project she has undertaken.

The blinking cursor on the blank page taunts her, *not-enough, not-enough, not-enough, never-enough*.

Back in January Ally jumped on the New Year’s exercise bandwagon. She created a plan to do some cardio and strength training every day. She bought some new workout clothes, a cute new water bottle, and downloaded inspirational music. The first week of January she did her plan every day, gleeflully checking off the boxes on the calendar page she created to track her progress. She hit Wednesday of the 2nd week of January, and she couldn’t make the time. Thursday came and went with no exercise. By Friday, she decided she didn’t have time and quit the whole thing.

A disciplined, hard worker, Felicia achieved a great deal of success. She built a business by hustling and taking every opportunity along the way. She expects those who work for her to do the same. Nobody leaves the office until she calls it a day. No days off, that’s what weekends are for. She considers her deadlines logical because she bases them on how quickly she could accomplish the task.

“If I can do it, they can do it,” she reasons.

These three women struggle with perfectionism, which is pretty common in our culture.

Perfectionism does not have its’ own entry as a diagnosis as an “official” mental disorder, but it shows up as the manifestation of anxiety and often, trauma.

The American Psychological Association’s Dictionary of Psychology defines perfectionism as “the tendency to demand of others or of oneself an extremely high or even flawless level of performance, in excess of what is required by the situation. It is associated with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and other mental health problems.”

It’s hard to catch ourselves being perfectionists because perfectionism feels normal and the beliefs that drive it are often far below the surface of our awareness.

Perfectionism, like high-functioning anxiety can actually help us achieve things. We think it’s a good thing and we strive harder.

It is one of those “humble brags.” When that interviewer asks to name your strengths and weaknesses, perfectionism is an acceptable weakness because, in theory, it will benefit the employer.

But does it?

It actually can get in the way of productivity, and it definitely gets in the way of life satisfaction.

The APA Dictionary connected perfectionism with depression, anxiety, and eating disorders. The other mental health problems they alluded to include unhealthy coping (self-harm, substance abuse, workaholism, avoidance), panic attacks, imposter syndrome, low self-worth, increased stress, people-pleasing, and unhealthy comparison. In addition to the ways the mental health issues listed can impact relationships, it also generates relational problems such as micromanaging others, criticism, overfunctioning, and assuming expectations from others.

It’s exhausting, paralyzing, and can feel overwhelming.

Perfectionism can show up in 3 categories

1.The expectations we place on ourselves

Often we set ridiculously high standards for ourselves that are not realistic, whether it is in the quality of the task, the reactions of other people, timelines, or lack of stress in the process of accomplishing it. Sometimes we create these standards by comparing ourselves with others. We develop an urgent need to be the best.

Sometimes we compete with ourselves. Measuring our progress against ourselves can be a healthy way to track our growth, but it can get out of hand, too. Often we will measure our progress against past versions of ourselves, without taking into account the very real constraints the current version of ourselves might have. I could strive to be skinny like I was in high school (when I thought I was overweight), but in doing so I fail to consider the normal changes in my metabolism that come with age and the fact that I do not have hours to spend in practices for dance, gymnastics, and cheerleading every day.

2.The expectations we perceive others to have of us

That last example ties right into this one. Our culture places value on looking young, fit, and thin. The amount of work it takes for the average 50 year old woman to look like she is on par with the beauty of 20-somethings is super unrealistic compared to the time we have to spend on maintaining ourselves and the normal changes our bodies experience. We still perceive the pressure to achieve that ideal. And, while we are at it, we also feel like we have to be the perfect mom who always has time for everything her children or their school activities need, have the energy and desire to be a tiger between the sheets, keep our house looking fabulous, have people over for meals, volunteer in the community, be a #girlboss at work, and make sure everyone likes us all the time.

3. The expectations we place on others

Sometimes we can manage to meet a lot of those expectations we perceive from others, and this high level of striving feels normal, do-able. We can turn our focus on others and expect them to perform according to our standards. Often, if they can do this, it helps us in some way, either by making something easier for us if they can do it, or making us feel better about ourselves if they can’t. It’s an ugly truth, but we do this.

Do you notice that all of these categories have a lot to do with expectations?

Expectations set us up to be disappointed. The hard part about expectations is that we usually don’t realize we had an expectation in the first place until we start experiencing the disappointment part. We need to be aware of our expectations, but also aware of the ways perfectionism might show up. In fact, it may even be easier to notice our perfectionist behaviors before we recognize we are dealing with a type of unrealistic expectation.

What are some common perfectionist behaviors?

Pre-failing: “If I do not even try to do this thing, I won’t fail and I won’t have to feel bad about myself.”
Procrastinating
Fixating on our failures and mistake; demonizing mistakes

All or nothing thinking
Critical self-talk
Inability to delegate: “If I want it done right/on time I have to do it myself.”
Need to feel in control
Restlessness: “If I am not doing something I am wasting time.”
Catastrophizing (especially when we think of the consequences of our failures and mistakes).
Coming up with very feasible reasons why we are not starting something or not doing it at all

There is hope for perfectionists!

I will be focusing on perfectionism on the blog this month and doing a deeper dive into strategies we can employ to shift our mindsets and find some relief from anxious striving. Like any change, it starts with awareness. Start noticing your expectations of yourself and others. It may feel like a bridge too far to be okay with yourself if you do something that is just “good enough” but you might start with considering that it is possible that “good enough” can be “enough”.

Of course, therapy offers direction and support in shifting your mindset, and as a recovering perfectionist, I know this process very well. Please call if you want some help.

References

https://dictionary.apa.org/perfectionism

Jennie Sheffe is a National Certified Counselor ™ who helps women find freedom from anxiety and peace in their chaos. She sees clients virtually in the state of Pennsylvania, or in her downtown Carlisle, PA office. She offers Christian counseling and EMDR Therapy.

What is Perfectionism?