We have spent some time this month gaining an understanding of what boundaries actually are and why it is helpful to set them. We focused on the importance of knowing ourselves and what we want in life as necessary work to do before we try to set boundaries. I gave you some journaling prompts on how to do some of that self-discovery work. Now are we ready to set the boundaries?

Not yet.

The boundaries we think we want to set may not actually be good boundaries to try to set.

What makes a good boundary?

1. It addresses the situation you need to work on.

This might seem like a no-brainer, but we get this wrong all the time.

If I want to spend more time at home, I need to set a boundary that helps me to stop bringing work home. But I might think I am addressing this issue by coming home earlier (with my laptop, and that file, and my head full of work concerns).

Instead I may need to do things like purposefully leave my planner at the office, or have a ritual of closing down my workstation at the end of the day. I may have a “do not disturb” function set on my phone so work calls do not come through after hours. Maybe I designate a point on my commute and commit to stop thinking about work and start thinking about home.

Take some time to really think about why you are setting the boundary so you can make sure the boundary really fits your “why.”

2. It gives you more of something good that you need.

This is where you need to stop imagining what other people are thinking, because what you need might seem silly to them (or at least you have thoughts that it is silly to them – there is usually a big difference between what they are thinking and what you *think* they are thinking).

Someone who needs quiet and solitude may have a boundary about getting up early, or protecting that first hour of the day after everyone leaves for school or work.

I have one day a week when I work on writing and creating my social media content. I set boundaries for my time that day; I will schedule family appointments but only one per week (with very few exceptions). On that day, I might have my phone turned off to keep interruptions at bay and maximize my time. Others may think that this is a day I should be accessible to them, and on paper, sure, that makes sense. But I have learned I am much more efficient when I can stay in that focused zone.

When introverts and extraverts are married to each other, they need to balance out each other’s needs for time with people vs. time alone. It’s easy for the introvert to think it’s silly that the extravert needs time to socialize and the extravert may think it is strange that the introvert needs time alone. When they set boundaries that allow each person to get what they need, they enjoy their time together much more.

We all have our quirks, it’s what makes life interesting! When you figure out what yours are, you can make boundaries that work with your natural tendencies, instead of trying to fit into what you think you should need.

Your boundary should address what you actually need, and that doesn’t have to make sense to anyone but you.

3. It does not create new problems that are worse than the initial one.

We might most easily connect to this idea by thinking about rules instead of boundaries.

We set rules for other people, like our children. We set boundaries for ourselves, but they impact other people. Both rules and boundaries have consequences.

How many times have you set a consequence for your kids that punished you more than it punished them? “You did (or didn’t do) X so you are grounded.” Now you are stuck at home with a kid who is mad at you. With consequences for our kids, yes, we have to be willing to be in that situation sometimes because we are in it for the long-game of teaching them how to live and be. We may choose to allow them to still go to youth group, or Grandma’s 90th birthday party instead of flat out grounding them from everything because those are events that develop them in healthy ways. Shutting them out from everyone, especially if they are doing things that get them grounded a lot, can create bigger problems than whatever they did in the first place. Social isolation can lead to depression and make their behavior problems even worse, plus resentment can build on your part because you don’t get to do things you want to do because you have to stay home and enforce the consequence.

It is important to consider the consequences of boundaries you set for yourself. If I, as an introvert, have a boundary that I need a certain amount of alone time but I am married to an extravert who needs a certain amount of people time, then a consequence of that boundary might be that my husband is going to be involved in activities that do not include me. I need to decide if that would feel worse for me than it does to be around people more than I think I want to.

There is no right or wrong answer here – just something to think about before setting a boundary. You want to look ahead to how the boundary might play out and make sure you are not getting yourself into bigger problems by setting the boundary.

4. You are willing to enforce it.

Sometimes we get caught up in setting the boundary but we do not take the time to think about what we will do to actually enforce it. Boundaries are not very useful if we are not willing to enforce them. Enforcing them involves follow through.

If I set a boundary that I am not okay with my boss treating me a certain way, am I really willing to stand up to my boss? Or file a complaint? Or quit my job?

A boundary without a follow through is just a request. When you set the boundary, you also have to think through what you will do if someone violates it, and be ready to take the action you said you would take. Otherwise you will teach the person that they can manipulate your boundaries. Having a clear idea of how you will enforce your boundary also helps you avoid decision fatigue because you made the decision ahead of time when you were able to think clearly instead of being in an emotional fight/flight/fawn/freeze state of mind.

5. You are able to enforce it unilaterally or you have the necessary support to enforce it.

Some boundaries are only about us, but others are about us in the context of the systems we function in. Because we live in relationship with others, we do need to work together on boundaries.

If I were to set a boundary in my home that my husband opposed, it wouldn’t go very well. We would need to have some talks behind closed doors to define the boundary before we communicate it to our family members.

I’ll be honest, we have had some hiccups with this one sometimes! It took us a while for us to learn that when we worked as a team on the front end, our different perspectives help us set boundaries that actually meet the spirit of the issue and are things we are willing to enforce.

Likewise, If I set a boundary at work that impacted the mission of my whole team at work I need to make sure I have the authority to set that boundary.

We want to make sure our boundaries are as effective as possible, otherwise they are just empty threats or requests. We want to make sure they serve the purpose of improving our life satisfaction or helping us live authentically. To do this, we need to be very intentional about the boundaries we set. I am a big fan of creating guiding principles for ourselves that help us to frame the boundaries we need to set.

Sometimes we are in relationships or situations that add complexity to setting boundaries. We may have underlying beliefs that we are not allowed to speak up, that our time/well-being/energy is not as valuable as other people’s, that it is normal for people to treat us in ways that we don’t like. We may be dealing with people who are not emotionally mature enough to accept our boundaries, which makes them even harder to communicate and enforce. It’s a whole process to learn to refrain from owning other people’s reactions to our boundaries. If you are recognizing that you want set some boundaries and want support, I am here. Please reach out through my website, or give me a call at 717-219-4339. You do not have to do this alone.

Jennie Sheffe is a National Certified Counselor ™ who helps women find freedom from anxiety and peace in their chaos. She sees clients virtually in the state of Pennsylvania, or in her downtown Carlisle, PA office. She offers Christian counseling and EMDR Therapy.

5 Markers of Good Boundaries