5 Myths About Boundaries
What do you think of when you think of boundaries?
As a consumer of social media, I am prone to think of dramatic actions that people often use to avoid dealing with someone in their life or to control them. However, as a therapist, I have a different understanding of what healthy boundaries really are about, why they are necessary and good, and how they help relationships.
Today I am unpacking 5 myths we tend to believe about boundaries.
Boundaries are for shutting people out of your life.
It’s easy to think that boundaries are about walling ourselves off from “toxic” people.
This word “toxic” is often overused and misused, but that is another topic for another time. In pop culture, “toxic” seems to capture anyone who doesn’t agree 100% with what we think or feel (and this usually includes anyone who has set a boundary).
I am not saying that truly toxic people do not exist, or that we need to give toxic people full access to our lives. Sometimes we do need to completely disconnect from someone in order to protect our mental, emotional, or physical well-being. This type of situation is so complicated and nuanced I am not going to begin to try and address it in a blog post. If you think you are in this type of situation, I would advise you to see a counselor to talk through the unique circumstances with the unique relationships you are facing. If you live with someone who threatens your safety, I would urge you to reach out to the following resources:
National Domestic Violence Hotline: (800) 799-SAFE (7233)
If you are in Cumberland County, PA: Domestic Violence Hotline for Cumberland County: (800) 852-2102
Today’s post is about the more murky boundary situations with people who feel toxic:
those relationships that drain us but we feel obligated to stay in
people who expect more from us than we feel able to give
people who want us to be accessible to them 24/7
people who press for details that do not feel comfortable for us to share
people who repeatedly misunderstand us and treat us according to their assumptions of us
people who have some kind of power over us but do not feel safe to disagree with
people in professional roles who make things too personal
people who are happy to take from us but rarely give
people who say they want our help but do not actually take action on what we offer
people who want us to read their minds and manage their emotions for them
people who push us to speak or act in ways that go against our values
people who silence us by intimidation
people who use guilt to manipulate us
people who expect us to do what is good for them at great cost to what is good for us
people who expect us to think, feel, and act just like they do
As a Christian, I believe we are hard-wired for relationship. Genesis 2:18 says, “Then the LORD God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.” In the New Testament we are commanded to love others (Mt. 22:39) and to bear each other’s burdens (Galatians 6:2). We need other people and they need us, so we need to figure out how to make our relationships work.
Boundaries help us find a way to co-exist in relationships that are important to us.
We need to cultivate respect for ourselves and learn to meet our own needs while we meet the needs of others.
I love the work that Dr. Alison Cook has done on this topic. In this Instagram post, she says it so well:
“Selfishness: ‘It’s all about me.’
Selfhood: ‘It’s about you and me.’
Selflessness: ‘It’s all about you.’
There’s a big difference between selfhood and selfishness. Furthermore, being selfless is not always the right choice.”
This leads right into my next myth…
2. Boundaries are for controlling other people.
We do not set boundaries to control other people. That would be selfish. It would mean “I do not like what you are doing and I am going to use force to make you do it my way.” This is the way we often think about boundaries. Maybe because even when we appropriately set a boundary that is about our needs, the other person feels controlled. They may not realize that we are just defining our needs in the relationship, and they have a choice. They may not recognize that they can counter with their own boundaries.
If that person is good at manipulating, they will try to blame us for being controlling. We might have our own “stuff” that makes us especially vulnerable to accusations that we are being controlling. We attach meanings based on our past experiences, like “I am not a good wife/mom/daughter/colleague/friend/Christian if I set this boundary,” or “People will not understand why I have to do this, and they will not respect me.”
We are gaining control, but we are seeking to control ourselves, our own lives, not someone else. Good boundaries control what we can control, and that does not include other people. We can control the access that other people have to our thoughts, feelings, time, and energy. We can control the amount of time we spend with other people. Doing so has consequences for other people, but we are controlling ourselves, our environment, our well-being.
3. Boundaries are selfish.
As Alison Cook says, being selfless is not always the best way to go. A selfless view can be appropriate, when you care very deeply about someone who needs your help and you choose to be selfless. Even then you may need some parameters on how much you can give.
Have you ever read The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein (1)? In this book, a boy enjoys a tree, and keeps coming back to it to use it, taking branches and cutting down most of the tree. The tree loves the boy unconditionally and gives him everything she’s got, and he always takes it and leaves her to go off and do his own thing. In the end, he is an old man, and she is just a stump. He finally appreciates her, because he has got nothing else (he may have nothing else because he has treated everyone else in his life the way he treated the tree). We tend to read that book and think, “Now that is selfless love.”
But is there really virtue in giving until you are just a stump?
Did the tree really help him? If the tree had used boundaries to teach the boy how to treat her with respect, she could have gone on to live her best branch-waving, oxygen-producing life and blessed others besides just that one boy.
When we are acting selflessly, we need to ask ourselves if our help is really helping. We may need to ask ourselves if we are helping because it feels scary to make waves by not helping, to be in a position where we are misunderstood. Are we helping so people will think highly of us, or do we really want to help this way?
4. Boundaries are about other people.
Alison Cook’s selfhood view would be “I care about you so much I want to stay in relationship with you. I have needs and I know you do too. If you cannot honor my needs, I am going to create boundaries so I can protect them, because I care about us staying in relationship.”
This is why I am saying that boundaries are about us more than about others. We are identifying the ways the relationship isn’t working and trying to make it better. We can only identify the things that we perceive – it’s up to the other person to identify boundaries that they need to set to make it work for them. Then we have a healthy conversation, back-and-forth, where everyone’s needs matter.
We can listen to what other people say and watch what they do. From that data, and from the data we gather about ourselves (see my last two blog posts about this here and here) we can decide what we need to stay in a healthy relationship with them.
We create boundaries based on what we need. Going back to the example of selfhood, we can consider what we perceive the other person’s needs to be and try to set boundaries that work for both sides, but ultimately, we are creating boundaries that are about us.
Our boundaries teach others how to treat us.
5. All boundaries are dramatic.
They sure are on social media! But in real life, many boundaries we set may only be boundaries with ourselves, or boundaries that only we know about.
As an example of a boundary with myself, I take time to journal 5x/week. I know it helps me to sort out my thoughts, feelings, and needs. I can’t communicate clearly if I don’t have that sorted out for myself. With this one, the drama happens only if I don’t keep this boundary with myself!
As far as boundaries with that affect others, let’s say you have someone who texts you constantly and expects a response immediately. You might set a boundary (with yourself) that you do not text back right away. You want to teach them that you are not accessible to them all the time. You can just quietly do that without announcing it as a boundary. No drama, just supporting your boundary by the way you respond.
Some boundaries are dramatic, yes. “Please lower your voice or I will leave this conversation.” That carries some drama. But the boundaries that are dramatic are usually with people who are already doing something dramatic. It’s not so much the act of the boundary but the connected behavior and especially the volume and tone of voice that brings the drama.
I hope this blog post has helped you look at boundaries differently, to challenge the narrative that is out there about boundaries. Boundaries, when used in a healthy way, can protect your sense of self, the life you want to live, and free you up to do what you are called to do in this world. They can be tricky, and if you are new to setting boundaries with people, you might need some help walking through this process. Feel free to call me or reach out on my contact form for a free consultation to get started with support.
Resources
(1) Silverstein, S. (1964). The giving tree. Harper & Row
For more from Dr. Alison Cook, check out her website
I highly recommend her books, The Best of You and Boundaries for Your Soul, as well as her podcast, The Best of You.
Jennie Sheffe is a National Certified Counselor ™ who helps women find freedom from anxiety and peace in their chaos. She sees clients virtually in the state of Pennsylvania, or in her downtown Carlisle, PA office. She offers Christian counseling and EMDR Therapy.
