6 Signs You Might Be a Control Freak
Are you a control freak?
That term gets tossed around jokingly, but most of us actually are control freaks! Well, not necessarily the “freak” part, but we like to feel in control.
It’s natural to want to feel in control of yourself, your circumstances.
When we are little, we learn we can control our environments by behaving. Or throwing fits. Wise parents may use little tricks like, “Do you want to go to bed in your red pajamas or your blue pajamas?” to give children a sense of control in going to bed, even though actually going to bed is not optional.
The hard truth is that there are many things in life that we just cannot control. And yet, that doesn’t stop us from trying. We often don’t realize that we are trying to control as much as we are. Subsequently, we don’t recognize that we beat ourselves up for failing to control something that wasn’t ours to control in the first place.
It can be hard to recognize our own controlling behaviors.
6 signs you may be trying to exercise control
Overfunctioning – if I want it to be done right, I need to do it myself. (And why do you want it to be done “right”? Because you are trying to control what other people think of you.) The kids have to have healthy lunches packed the night before because you need people to know you are a good mom. The house has to be clean when people come over so people think you have your act together. You have to write your teenager’s email for her so she sounds professional (and you look like you raised her right).
Stonewalling – sometimes this can be a sign you are shutting down because you are emotionally flooded and you just can’t think of the right thing to say. Your body kicks into a survival mode to exercise control over being hurt. You can’t feel so hurt if you are shut down. Other times, stonewalling can be part of passive aggressive communication (which I will discuss as its own thing). You are giving someone the silent treatment because they didn’t do something your way. They hurt you and you want to punish them so they don’t do it again.
Jumping to conclusions about someone’s problem – this really is a way of dismissing their problem. You might see a solution that seems so very obvious and they just can’t connect with it. You have decided what their problem is and how to fix it before you even let them finish telling you how they see their problem. You want to control how much time gets spent on this problem. Or, you want to control the level of emotional energy you need to expend on it. Maybe you have difficulty tolerating someone else having negative emotions. If you can control their emotions, then you do not have to sit in the discomfort with them (but often that is exactly what someone with a problem needs you to do at first.)
Being passive – It seems contradictory that someone who is passive can be controlling, but by continually opting out of decision-making you are controlling what other people think of you. If you didn’t make the decision, then nobody can blame you if it turns out negatively. Nobody can accuse you of being “high maintenance.” You live to agree because you want people to think you are a good, nice person (you want to be in control of how they perceive you).
Passive aggressive communication – another way of being passive. You want to be seen as agreeable, likeable, nice so you do not clearly come right out and say what is bothering you. You may give indirect hints about things, hoping that the person who is doing something that upsets/offends/disappoints you will pick up on it and apply those hints to him/herself. You try to push down your negative feelings, but they come seeping out in the form of sarcasm, joking at another’s expense, cryptic mutterings, or nondescript sighing. You want to control the other person’s behavior, but you don’t want to say so. Because you also want to control how they think of you.
Being a perfectionist – I have previously mentioned that Heather Creekmore(1) pointed out that perfectionism is a way to control what people think of you. It goes hand in hand with being passive. And overfunctioning. Do all the things, and do them perfectly. Make everyone happy. Nobody can find fault with a perfect person.
Often, the desire to control our circumstances comes from (you guessed it!) early interactions. Are you noticing a trend?
So many of our early experiences shape the way we interact with our adult lives.
An oldest child cares for younger siblings because the parents have a difficult relationship/addiction/are absent from the home. She will overfunction. If she doesn’t, somebody will find out what is happening in her home. Her siblings will suffer and she will feel like it’s her fault. If she is just good enough, prepares enough, everything will be fine. She has to be ready for anything.
A child who never wins any arguments learns to emotionally shut down during conflict. It’s safer to not say anything. Speaking up is useless because it won’t matter anyway, so it’s easier to shut down. It’s a coping mechanism that is hard to grow out of.
A child whose parents place unspoken expectations on her learns it is dangerous to have her own needs. She needs their connection and she can’t bring herself to let them down. If she does not have her own opinions than she can easily morph into whoever they need her to be and all will be well. Sometimes it is not that the parents place those expectations on her, but she takes them on herself. Maybe a sibling has done something that has deeply hurt the parents. She sees the rift it caused so she strives for perfection to control her connection with them.
A young teen who just can’t seem to fit in with her peers no matter how hard she tries becomes a perfectionist. She studies the trends so she can fit in. Her social connection depends on it. And her life depends on social connections.
Someone who grew up in a house where people did not use clear, assertive communication may conceptualize conflict as always bad. They can’t fathom that conflict can be used as a stepping stone to understanding each other better, bringing deeper connection. Passive aggressive communication feels safer, because it allows everyone to tiptoe around conflict. Doesn’t matter that nothing gets resolved and it creates a hostile environment. Walking on eggshells has become familiar, and therefore comfortable.
A child who received “the silent treatment” becomes someone who does the same thing to her children. She recognizes how effective it was to induce guilt, so she knows she can control her children that way. It may be the only way she knows to get her children to do what she wants.
These patterns of control are so subtle and so pervasive. There is so much freedom with being clear on what you can control and what you can’t. With this awareness, you can learn to let go of those things you can’t control. It’s not easy, but it gets easier the more you do it.
You may have seen an infographic like this that depicts “the circle of control.”
Using a tool like this can help you get clear on what you can control and what you just really can’t. It may seem discouraging at first, but gaining this clarity can help you gain confidence in your decisions and peace in letting some things go. You might find it useful to break down a certain situation in your life and get specific about what you can and can’t control.
For example, if you are feeling stress about the upcoming elections, you can write out your own circle of control with things that are relevant to the elections. It might look something like this:
Your efforts to control things that are not yours to control are robbing you of peace. They keep anxiety spinning and worsening. Living your life constantly on high anxious alert leads to problems in your physical body, relationships, and daily life. It keeps you from experiencing the joy and freedom of living out your purpose.
Learning to let go of the things you can’t control takes practice, just like learning anything new. I am here to support you in recognizing where you are exercising unnecessary control, exploring the roots of your control issues, and learning how to make changes that will bring about life satisfaction.
References:
Jennie Sheffe is a National Certified Counselor ™ who helps women find freedom from anxiety and peace in their chaos. She sees clients virtually in the state of Pennsylvania, or in her downtown Carlisle, PA office. She offers Christian counseling and EMDR Therapy.
