5 Strategies to Address People Pleasing
As I wrap up this series on people pleasing, I want to leave you with some options for help. I know it can be frustrating to have the awareness of things you want to change but not knowing how to start.
Be patient with yourself.
You did not develop this way of coping overnight, so it won't be something you can just change in the blink of an eye. You are going to have to take some baby steps and feel uncomfortable for a while.
You will mess up sometimes, so let's just normalize that right now. It will not help to beat yourself up when you catch yourself people pleasing again (and you will, because nobody is perfect).
You are working on playing the long game here, so you want to reframe any mistakes along the way as lessons learned.
So. Much. Self-Compassion.
5 Strategies to Address People Pleasing
Get to know yourself.
Often when we are stuck in people pleasing behaviors, it doesn't feel safe to even have our own opinions. We get in such a habit of deferring to others we don't even know what we think about things. I wrote a blog post a while back with some questions you can journal for self-discovery. This is important for your sense of identity and self-esteem, but it also prepares you for the work of setting boundaries.
You may want to journal on topics specific to people pleasing:
Whose opinions matter most to me? Why?
How am I different from them (whoever I am trying to please)? How am I the same?
What are the things I hide from everyone?
What are my wildest, albeit secret dreams?
What am I afraid will happen if I disagree with someone?
What am I afraid will happen if someone misunderstands me?
Who are people I consider friends? Do I let them know my real self?
Is it ok for people to think differently than me? Why or why not?
Where do I get my sense of worth?
What makes me feel resentful? Unappreciated? (These are often - but not always - indicators that there is some people pleasing happening)
If I could do anything without anyone stopping me, what would it be? (doesn’t have to be realistic) What is stopping me?
2. Set boundaries.
This is actually not really a baby step... there are many baby steps to take to cultivate the mindset of being someone who regularly sets boundaries. I wrote about some of them here:
7 Steps to Setting Boundaries with Yourself
In my post 5 Ways to Free Yourself from the Anxiety of People-Pleasing, I highlighted some places to start with boundaries, starting with yourself.
How you spend your time.
How available you are to other people.
Not answering requests immediately.
All of these things are baby steps to setting boundaries.
They teach you that your world will not end if you say no to someone.
More importantly, they teach you that your time matters.
You have to learn that for yourself before you can expect other people to respect your time, energy, and effort.
3. Catch yourself mindreading and learn to challenge those thoughts.
We are so quick to jump to what "they" must be thinking.
Often they are not thinking anything about us at all! They may even be thinking something positive! This does not occur to our brains because we have been teaching it to constantly scan for threats. Sometimes (often!) it finds threats where they never actually existed.
I have written about mindreading here, and offered a journaling framework here that can help you slow your thoughts down so you can catch those mindreading thoughts.
4. Learn to notice the good.
Your brain, on autopilot, is going to notice what is bad, what is scary, what mistakes you made and what could happen because you messed up.
When you work on noticing what is good, what went well, what part you played in making it go well, what was fun, what you are thankful for...you teach your brain to look for that, too.
Doing this helps even out the playing field of thoughts and feelings that roam your brain. It is not so much of a stretch to think that people might be thinking something positive about you if you have taught your brain to look for good things.
5. Practice things you can say to support your new ways of relating to people.
This might look like finding ways to say “no” to people.
“I just don’t have the capacity to help that way right now.”
“Thanks for thinking of me, but I just can’t make that work right now. I hope you find someone to help!”
It might be the words you say when you set a boundary.
“I am unwilling to be in your presence if you are drinking”
“If you continue speaking to me like that, I will need to hang up the phone.”
When you are trying out new ways of relating to people, it already feels foreign because it’s new. If you can brainstorm what you want to say, you can land on something that feels okay. This is a great list to make in your journal.
Practicing what to say helps that new thing to easily roll off your tongue when you are in the heat of the moment.
You can also practice things you say to yourself, like a mantra. I have had seasons where I lean on the mantra, “Do what I can, when I can, decide it’s enough.” If you are a believer, this is a great way to memorize Scripture that applies to your situation and reminds you to involve God in your process.
Counseling can help with all of these strategies.
A counselor can help you do the work of remembering who you are, or defining who you want to be.
We can guide you in thinking of appropriate baby steps to start setting boundaries and support you in processing your experience in being someone who sets boundaries. It can be really hard to do something new, and sometimes you’ll need to tweak things.
We can help you remember to be compassionate and trust the process, and cheer you on when we see progress that nobody else (not even you, sometimes!) notices.
We are that objective voice that can help you catch yourself mind reading and offer some different perspectives to consider.
Counselors can do so much more than help you with strategies targeted at changing your behavior.
Counselors can help you get to the root issue that keeps you stuck, which can change your feelings and even your body reactions to threat.
I have been writing about the root issues that lead a person to cope using people pleasing. This is often trauma. Trauma does not have to be life-threatening or extreme to count as “trauma.” Something common or seemingly “not that big of a deal” could have hit you in a traumatic way and generated processes in your brain that try to protect you from ever feeling that way again.
The process of counseling can help you unpack that trauma and find better ways to cope with those feelings.
Most importantly, counseling can remind you that you are not alone when you work on people-pleasing.
It can feel lonely, because you are re-evaluating the way you are interacting in your relationships. People may push back while they are learning new ways to treat you. You may need the company of someone who truly understands what you are doing and why you are doing it.
A counselor can help you remember that this is a long-game, which can be hard to do when you are in the thick of it.
We can help you keep your “why” at the forefront, which will make it easier to stick with the changes.
You may be addressing health concerns that stem from exhaustion and stress.
You may be stopping generational cycles of expectation and guilt.
You may be learning to value yourself for who you are.
You may be stepping back from enabling someone else to over-depend on you.
You may be creating a life of wholeness and life satisfaction.
If you are in the state of PA and are interested in working with me, please reach out! I offer a free consultation call to determine whether we are a good fit to work together and help you figure out your best next steps on your way forward.
Know that it is possible to change the way you interact with your world. You can find ways to manage your relationships, your stress, your thoughts and feelings so that you can take care of your needs and still be there for the people you hold dear.
Jennie Sheffe is a National Certified Counselor ™ who helps women find freedom from anxiety and peace in their chaos. She sees clients virtually in the state of Pennsylvania, or in her office in Carlisle, PA. She offers Christian counseling and EMDR Therapy.
