People Pleasing Blocks Connection
The saddest thing about people pleasing is that it does not actually deliver what we are looking for by coping this way.
Deep down we usually long for true connection with people.
We have an inherent need for this connection. There is a sense of safety in being connected to others.
We fall into the habit of people pleasing because we want to fit in, to be accepted, to be liked.
We will never get there if we are always presenting a version of ourselves that we think others want.
Sure, they may like that version of us. (Then again, they may not…more on that later)
But is it really us?
When we are people pleasers, we sometimes cannot even answer that question.
We really don’t know.
We’ve lost our sense of who we really are while we were so busy being who we thought other people wanted us to be.
It feels a little scary to have our own opinion, because what if someone disagrees?
We don’t realize it feels scary… this is a subconscious thing, usually.
This fear can show up like
feeling uneasy
waiting until other people voice their opinion so we know what to say (or not say)
letting everybody else make decisions
going along with something we don’t feel good about
I think this feels especially scary to many of us more recently because of the way polarized opinions are screaming at us on the internet. Not only is everyone putting their opinion out there, but there seems to be an expectation to align completely with one side or another. If you have an opinion that is somewhere in the middle ground, you will get blasted by both sides. I think this is creating a pervasive felt sense of unsafety for many people.
Usually, someone with people pleasing behaviors has experienced some kind of negative consequence for being themselves.
We internalize the message that it is just not safe to be ourselves, and yet we long to be known, loved, and accepted as ourselves.
We think we want to fit in, but what we really want is to belong.
I love the way Brene Brown (1) differentiates between fitting in and belonging. She points out that we seek belonging by trying to fit in, but when we change ourselves to gain the approval to help us fit in, we are not getting approval on our real self, and that makes us feel even more disconnected than before.
Let’s jump back to what I said about people liking this version of us.
Warning… this part of my blog post may be hard to hear. Keep in mind that I am writing from the point of view of someone who has had to work through some of this myself. I share this, because I needed to come to these realizations before I could be brave enough to make changes in my own life.
Do they really like us?
Or do they like how easy we make their life?
This can be a both/and situation, but it’s worth a ponder.
So how does people pleasing block true connection?
Ambiguity
Sometimes others will pick up on the fact that we are engaging in people pleasing. This can feel frustrating for them, because they may be able to sense that something is “off” but will not know what it is (and if they ask, there is no way we’re going to tell them!). Most people do not feel comfortable with ambiguity.
We communicate unspoken expectations
Others may not reciprocate our friendship because they feel like they need to accommodate us (even though we are bending over backwards trying to accommodate them!). If they suspect that we are holding back from speaking up, they may feel like they need to go overboard to make sure we are okay. This puts pressure on them to overthink anything they do with us, because they may feel like they have to get into our heads to make sure we are going to be okay with the plan. It would be so much easier if we would just tell them what we were thinking!
They may see that we do not have great boundaries and assume we expect them to not have boundaries either. For example, say someone responds to a text with, “so sorry I didn’t text you back sooner… (and explains why). It would be easy to think that since she apologized for failing to text immediately, she might expect me to respond to her texts immediately, too.
We force the other person to play a role they may not want to play
When we are passive, not only do we not let others get to know our real selves, but we force the other person to always be in a dominant role. Maybe the other person wants to just go with the flow sometimes, instead of making all the decisions.
Think of two people-pleasers trying to figure out where to go for dinner. “I don’t know, where do you want to go?” “I don’t know, whatever you want sounds good.” “Oh, I’m easy to please, I am up for anything.” “Me, too, whatever you want.” (this could go on forever!)
This plays out on another level, too. By waiting to share our own opinions, we force others to take the risk of being vulnerable first.
We cannot grow closer through resolving conflict
Because we use people pleasing as a way to seek approval, when we find out we have let someone down, it feels absolutely crushing. This puts our friends in a position where they do not feel like they can ever give us negative feedback because we will not receive it well.
Of course nobody ever really wants to hear negative feedback about themselves, but in healthy relationships, we can recognize that the other person is sharing this feedback because they want to stay in relationship with us. They want to work together to set some boundaries or clarify something conflictual so that the relationship works well for both parties.
It can be difficult to stay in relationship with someone who cannot hear any negative feedback.
We jeopardize trust
Maybe most concerning is a sense that it is hard to trust someone who is hiding their true selves.
This is deception. Not only is it hard to keep up with what we said to who, but we take a huge risk when we deceive someone. We are risking their trust.
More than that, we risk our own personal integrity, which makes it hard for us to grow towards being able to validate and accept ourselves.
People pleasing puts up barriers to true connection with others, but it also gets in the way of authentically connecting with ourselves, too.
People pleasing may have started out as coping, but when we continue in these patterns, it keeps us from being able to build real relationships. Relationships where we can truly belong.
This can feel difficult to work through. Counseling can help you identify and challenge some of those patterns.
A counselor is going to help you discover who you really are, what your values are, what your strengths are, and cheer you on the whole way. A trauma counselor can help you figure out what caused you to start coping this way. Your therapist can support you in reprocessing the trauma (even if nobody else would call it a trauma) so you can find freedom from those automatic reactions that fuel urgency and desperation in your interactions. Counseling can help you figure out boundaries to set with people that bring out the people-pleasing behaviors in you.
Please reach out if you are ready for this kind of help.
You may be reading this as the friend of a people-pleaser, who wants help to stay in relationship with them. It can be hard to stay solid in your own boundaries when someone you love is coping via people-pleasing. I can help with that scenario, too.
Let me leave you with a word of so much hope… people-pleasing is something you can change.
By addressing the trauma underneath it, you can feel more safety in being your genuine self.
By setting boundaries and new ways of responding, you can teach those around you how to treat you with respect and love.
You can be okay even if someone doesn’t approve of you in some way – because that will happen.
You can learn a new, authentic, satisfying way of interacting with life.
Jennie Sheffe is a National Certified Counselor ™ who helps women find freedom from anxiety and peace in their chaos. She sees clients virtually in the state of Pennsylvania, or in her office in Carlisle, PA. She offers Christian counseling and EMDR Therapy.
