Hey Mom, I think today’s a great day to go to Starbucks!

Sorry, I’m not going to be able to make that happen today. I don’t have enough free time, and didn’t we go yesterday? I do not have the budget for a daily Starbucks.

So you’re saying you hate me.

Believe it or not, this is a real conversation that happens on the regular in my house.

My daughter is joking, of course, but it is such an example of all or nothing thinking (if she was serious).

It’s so easy to fall into all or nothing thinking and it’s no joke.

Especially if we already struggle with perfectionism.

What is all or nothing thinking?

All or nothing thinking is sometimes called black and white thinking.

It is a cognitive distortion, which is a psychology word that describes the brain playing tricks on us.

Just like a funhouse mirror at a carnival distorts images, sometimes our thoughts become distorted in our brains.

We are usually not in the habit of slowing down our thoughts and catching our automatic thoughts, so those cognitive distortions can run rampant in there. We tend to believe them without question.

With all or nothing thinking, our brain distorts situations into extremes.

Brains seem to like to sort things into tidy, polarized categories. It requires more thought to deal with things in the middle; the middle is messy and keeps us going back and forth.

Chucking it into the “all” box or the “nothing” box is much easier on the brain, so that’s what it does.

Here’s how this can play out.

I ate one thing that wasn’t on my diet, now today is ruined. I might as well eat whatever I feel like eating and start all over with the diet tomorrow. (Please note, this example does not mean I am advocating for diets; it just tends to describe something we tend to do when we try to diet.)
I can’t run a 5K – why even enter that race at all?
If I can’t sing it perfectly, why even try?

Those examples capture the kinds of perfectionistic striving we focus on ourselves.

This principle applies for perfectionistic standards we place on other people, too

If someone else can’t cook dinner perfectly (like I can) why should I let them try? If I want something done, I have to do it myself.

Do you see how easily perfectionism fits with all or nothing thinking?

How does the perfectionist combat all or nothing thinking?

**Notice (with compassion and curiosity)**

You might be tempted to say, “Oh, I am hopeless because I am still thinking this way” but step outside of it. One part of you wants to be critical that you are thinking this way but it’s not all of you.

How much of you can be curious?
How much can be hopeful?
How much can celebrate that you are aware of this thinking pattern?

Quantify it.

Just like I asked you to notice how much of you is critical vs. curious vs. hopeful vs. celebratory, what are the parts involved with your all or nothing thought?

How much do I think I should just quit?
What are the parts that don’t want to quit?
What percentage of me is afraid of doing this thing? (or letting someone else do the thing for me)

Remind yourself your brain may be playing tricks on you

When we are aware that our brain does this, that all or nothing thinking is a cognitive distortion we tend to fall for, we can learn to catch ourselves in the act. Then we can stop ourselves and say, “I know what this and we are not doing this today!”

It may be first necessary to develop the habit of slowing down whatever is going on internally so we can get a grasp on those thoughts.

I love to use my FACETS model for this.

Say the situation is that I gave my child a consequence because she had broken a house rule. Now said child is mad at me, and she is making sure I know exactly how mad she is. I am spiraling into “I’m a bad mom” thoughts and triggering fears of rejection; I am afraid I will be estranged from my child as soon as she is old enough to move out. (Which is actually catastrophizing, another cognitive distortion. We will deal with that one in the next blog.)

F: (Facts)

I gave my child a consequence and now she is crying. She told me I am ruining her life and that she hates me. Her feet made more noise than usual as she went up the stairs. She slammed her bedroom door. Twice.

(Remember, the facts are just the parts that we observe objectively – no interpretations or added meanings go here.)

A: (Actions)

Now I am crying and I can’t sleep. I keep thinking about the argument, over and over.

C: (Context)

It’s been a rough year with this child, and she is my only child. I am very aware of situations in which someone’s child grows up and leaves and never looks back. I have this underlying fear that this is going to happen in our family.

E: (Emotions)

despair, uncertainty (Did I do the right thing?), sadness, fear, worthlessness

T: (Thoughts)

I mess everything up. I am not a good mom. She really does hate me. If I was a better mom, she wouldn’t have gotten in trouble in the first place. How will I ever keep her safe? Oh, I am going to grow old alone. I have failed her, and I have messed up my whole family.

S: (Body Sensations)

Tears, shallow breathing, fast heartbeat, muscle tension in my jaw and neck.

Ok. So now we’ve slowed down the automatic thoughts and separated the thoughts from facts and emotions, and acknowledged the context (which probably contains familiar triggers.)

**Since I wrote all of this down, I can go back and analyze it.**

Where is the all or nothing thinking?

(Realistically, I probably need to take a few diaphragmatic breaths as I do this to further calm myself down.)

Because my child is mad at me, I fell into the trap of thinking that nothing I have done as a mom was right and good. Ever.
My world is only about my child – my catastrophic thinking about the future does not include anything else.

When I slow it down like that, I can see the flaw in logic there.

Usually words like “always” “never” “ever” “only” “everything” “nothing” “anything” are good clues to uncovering all or nothing thinking.

What other ways could I think about this?

Logically, I know my child is going to be mad at me sometimes. I have to give consequences sometimes because she has to learn through her mistakes. I didn’t yell at her in this whole thing, I just calmly informed her of the consequence. My child is mad at me, and I know I have been, and still am a good mom. That can all happen at the same time, even if it feels crappy and confusing.

My future happiness does not depend on my child. I hope she will be part of my life forever, but she will not completely define my life. I can’t hang my happiness on something I can’t control.

Take an action

This doesn’t have to be a big, perfect action. Just find any action that counteracts all or nothing thinking just a little bit.

In my example, maybe I write down the “good mom” things I know I have done.
Maybe I think of some reasons why I am 99% sure my child doesn’t really hate me.
I can think of times when I had to have a consequence, and learned valuable lessons from it.
I can think of some things I can do to remind my child I love her (but none of them will include reversing the consequence).

If you can recognize yourself as someone who may struggle with perfectionism, start looking for all or nothing thinking. Working on the cognitive distortions that often partner with perfectionism can be a helpful strategy to start finding some freedom from it.

As always, if you want some help from a counselor, reach out on my website or give me a call.

Jennie Sheffe is a National Certified Counselor ™ who helps women find freedom from anxiety and peace in their chaos. She sees clients virtually in the state of Pennsylvania, or in her Carlisle, PA office. She offers Christian counseling and EMDR Therapy.

The Perfectionist and All or Nothing Thinking