Perfectionism and the Need to Control
When our family of six boarded the plane on our layover, en route to moving to a new country (with our dog and cat stowed away in the pet compartment), I felt completely out of control.
My husband had called to confirm our hotel room in Naples, Italy.
A pet-friendly room that would fit all 6 of us (and our luggage!). Not so easy to come by.
They did not have our reservation, and they had no room for us.
Where in the world were we going to go when we landed? I’m sure they have pet kennels in Italy? But do they have someone who can speak English to help us make arrangements? I was not ready for such logistics on my first day in a new country. And there was nothing we could do while we were in the air. Well, it felt that way, anyway.
I felt out of control during that airplane ride, and it did not feel good at all.
I remembered I could pray, which I did.
I leafed through my Italian/English dictionary and wrote out a script for making phone calls about kennels.
And I talked to people on the plane.
As we were getting off the plane, I met another military spouse who had lived in Naples for quite some time, and she happened to be great friends with someone who owned a hotel.
A hotel who would let us bring the pets. (Thanks, God!)
She made arrangements for us to get a ride from the airport to the hotel, and later that night we all enjoyed our first authentic Italian pizza.
We were a little punchy and jet-lagged, but it turned out to be a great (and very memorable) night!
Control.
It just feels soooooo good to know everything that’s going on and have the choices to make sure it goes the way we think it should.
For the perfectionist, control is often a major player.
I need to control my performance so I can believe I am good enough.
I need to control my appearance/behavior/presentation/achievement so others will think highly of me.
I need to control the words/feelings/actions of others so I will look good and be respected.
Sometimes this shows up in the inability to delegate or jump in and do something before someone else can (because, of course, they won’t do it right.)
Sometimes this shows up in feelings of resentment or sending someone on a guilt trip (Ugh. I have to do everything around here.)
Life is full of stuff we just can’t control. The harder we try, the more frustrating it becomes that we can’t control it. Meanwhile, we lose presence, joy, peace, and focus while we are distracted by our attempts to control.
I wish I had some easy steps to share to address this. I don’t. It’s hard.
When we are in a moment where we feel out of control, we can try the following strategies.
Circle of control
I have written before about the circle of control.
It can help to remind ourselves that we can control our thoughts, feelings, and actions, but that’s about it. Everything outside of that circle of control is sometimes within our influence, but not in our control.
Curious and compassionate noticing
Adopting the mindset of a curious observer, one who is kind, can help us to get a little bit of distance from our emotions and understand what is going on inside.
What does the part of me that wants to control need so it can feel safe giving up some control?
(Don’t settle for an “I don’t know” answer. Guess! If you are really stumped, make a list of 15 things it could be. Some will be silly, and clearly not the answer, but forcing yourself to come up with that many will force you to really search that brain. Something will probably show up on that list for you. )
Connect to your spirituality.
Tap into bigger sources of meaning.
I am a Christian, so I think of my faith, which tells me that God works all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28). Taking time to rehearse the truths connected to my faith reminds me that I can be ok even when I am not in control. I can also take some time to pray (like my airplane example). Doing this reminds me that I can be ok when I am not in control, because I believe that someone with infinite power and unexplainable love for me is with me.
If you are not actively in a moment when you feel out of control, you can do things to practice.
Find some low stakes things and relinquish control.
Maybe you let your kids decorate your Christmas tree, and remind yourself you are practicing being out of control every time you see that part of the tree where they hung alllllll the ornaments, leaving the rest of the tree bare.
Maybe you give up your way of doing certain chores so someone else can help you out. When we first got married, my husband told me that I folded his shirts backwards. I told him he was welcome to take over the job of folding laundry if he wanted his shirts folded a certain way. He opted to be ok with backwards-folded shirts!
Sometimes when you give up control of your way, you realize that someone else’s way can be just as good, or better!
I used to work at Linens and Things. As a result, I am pretty meticulous about folding towels.
Especially the guest towels. I like to have a little neat package of bath towel, hand towel, and wash cloth all bundled up.
Recently my husband did that job for me, and he found an even tidier way to do it.
Who knew that someone who never worked at Linens and Things could be a fantastic towel-folder!
You are not going to start out with high stakes thing – things that may have lasting consequences, like letting your 9 year old have unfettered access to anything on the internet. Maybe make a list of things you control and decide which ones are lower stake, and give one or two a try.
Revisit the circle of control
It’s good to bring yourself through this exercise in a preventative way.
Look at the circle of control and ask yourself which things are outside that circle that you routinely try to control? We all have those things. In fact, if you make a list, you may even be able to find some common denominators that connect several items on that list.
Once you have nailed down those predictable times you might feel out of control, you can work on identifying some things you can do to address those situations before they happen. (This is a little sneaky… because doing this actually gives you some control!)
You can think of how you want to think, feel, and act the next time that situation pops up (instead of waiting until you find yourself just reacting).
Get detailed about what it looks like to think, feel, and act that way. What can you do to help yourself get there?
How can you direct your thoughts in those moments?
What can you do to help yourself feel the way you want to feel? Maybe you need to plan to take a break so you can address your emotions.
What actions can you take? Taking a break from that person is one action. The words you say are another action. The words you don’t say are yet another action in your control.
Expect the unexpected
Sometimes life throws curve balls at us that seem to just come out of nowhere.
We could never in a million years predict some of them.
Learning to expect that these things are going to happen, and cultivating a mindset of “I’m going to be okay.” Or “I can handle it” or “It’s okay if this is hard; I’ll figure it out little by little” can help us from spiraling into our emotions because we feel out of control.
Of course, reaching out for help from a counselor can be super-helpful, especially when you are dealing with one of those curve balls. It’s hard to think straight when we feel like the rug has been ripped out from underneath us. An outside observer who sees our strengths can be very valuable in helping us figure out what the next steps are.
Jennie Sheffe is a National Certified Counselor ™ who helps women find freedom from anxiety and peace in their chaos. She sees clients virtually in the state of Pennsylvania, or in her Carlisle, PA office. She offers Christian counseling and EMDR Therapy.
