Get Ready for the Holidays with Intentionality
55 days til Christmas!
Does that fill you with joy? Or dread? Maybe both?
Personally, I have a Christmas alter-ego that I keep under wraps until we are watching Elf as soon as the Thanksgiving dishes are done. But I do start covertly preparing for Christmas earlier than that. There is a lot about the way we celebrate Christmas in our culture that feels overwhelming and full of pressure, increasing anxiety for women who are trying to do it all.
Anxiety ramps up, and the holidays offer a smorgasbord of unhealthy coping strategies: obligations to shop and advertising that talks you into spending more, freely-flowing alcohol and high sugar/high fat foods, endless events that can keep you from slowing down to feel your feelings, and that false reassurance that if you do enough you can make Christmas magical for everyone around you. It all depends on you.
The extra events and to-do list items can be tough for anyone. Those who have challenging family dynamics, grief, and/or an adjustment to some kind of new “normal” can find the holidays to be extra difficult. That is a blog post for a different day, but I acknowledge it here to let you know I see you. You have additional heavy things you are carrying that make the normal busy-ness of the holidays feel empty and cheer feel forced.
I think the best word to describe the holidays (the way our culture celebrates) is “extra.”
Extra spiritual meaning and celebration.
Extra festive décor, music, memories, and traditions.
Extra family, friends, parties, and events.
Extra “special” food and alcohol.
Extra giving, thoughtfulness, and goodwill.
They can also be full of extra difficult things.
Extra difficult memories, regrets, grief triggers, perceived expectations.
Extra shopping and overthinking gift decisions.
Extra perceived obligations to make an appearance at all the parties.
Extra decorating tasks, to-do list items, and gift wrapping.
Extra travel headaches and arguments about money.
Extra beating yourself up because you are having a hard time doing it all.
Many years ago, when all 4 of my kids were in elementary school, I was running myself ragged trying to keep up with the holidays. I went to 4 class parties and a school performance in the same day. That year we attended 11 holiday parties, and hosted another one. My kids were in musicals at school and at church. It didn’t help that we were in the middle of a move to Italy right before Christmas and packing to spend time with family in a warm climate and other family in a cold climate before taking off across the ocean. I realized that something needed to change. I had to set some boundaries around Christmas because I found myself resenting the season instead of enjoying it.
I took a hard look at how I spend my time during the holidays, and I made some changes. It wasn’t until I was giving a talk at a Christian women’s group a few years later that I put it all together and realized that 2 words were guiding my boundaries:
Practical and Purposeful.
The title of my talk was “Simplify Christmas” and my main idea was that there are two P’s of Christmas that bring true peace at Christmas.
My talk was about making decisions during the holidays, making sure that I don’t engage in empty things “just because.” They must be things that work for our family, and/or are meaningful.
What do I mean by “practical?”
I took a critical look at the December calendar, and set boundaries around appointments. I am writing this blog post now, in early November, so you can get ahead of that. I do not make any routine appointments in December (which means I may need to be proactive about November). In December we do not go to the veterinarian, dentist, or eye doctor. We don’t do any home or car maintenance if possible. I even try to avoid haircuts that month. There are enough last minute appointments and tasks that come up that I try to clear the way of routine ones.
I think about the parties we get invited to, and no longer try to fit all of them into our schedules. I can really enjoy the ones we do go to because I am not rushing around trying to get there. As an introvert, by keeping a lid on social events I can preserve some of my emotional energy, too.
I try my best to be organized with shopping for gifts so I am not last-minute. The downside of this is that when you buy things ahead of time and squirrel them away, you forget where you put them, and sometimes forget what you bought. I have a system to keep track of that so I don’t freak out and think, “I didn’t get enough for that kid!” and buy more, only to realize I bought too much. I have some great hiding spot for gifts, as well. Feel free to email me if you want to know more. I doubt my kids read my blog, but just in case they do, I am not spilling my secrets publicly!
I set aside a day in December to watch Christmas movies and wrap gifts. I protect this day FIERCELY. It makes such a difference to get gifts wrapped ahead of time so we are not up till the wee hours of the morning on Christmas Eve, and exhausted on Christmas Day. By setting aside time for me to just enjoy some solitude, it makes that day feel like a self-care day, even though it is full of doing things for others. It boosts my excitement to think of how blessed my loved ones will feel to open their gifts. It is a self-care day that takes the focus off of “self.”
I don’t want to say “I set boundaries with food” because the mindset of limiting food can often trigger a restriction mindset in women, which in turn, often initiates or maintains disordered eating. But I do notice that when I do not use food to fuel my body, I feel terrible. I have less energy, I feel bloated, and with all that sugar, I find myself just wanting to eat something, anything green (just not a Christmas tree cookie)! So, I try to be really dialed in to what I am eating, and ask myself if it’s what my body really wants and/or needs. If you are intrigued by this idea, you can learn more about it from Tribole & Resch (1) or the Intuitive Eating for Christian Women Podcast (2).
We have a Christmas budget and we do our best to stick to it. Deciding ahead of time what we will spend on gifts, festive clothing, and general merriment keeps me from impulse spending or justifying extravagance.
The other P, “purposeful” also includes boundaries.
My purposeful boundaries no longer include things that are not meaningful to our family.
Take gingerbread houses, for example. My kids use that activity as an excuse to get hopped up on sugar more than they get into building gingerbread houses, and who needs extra sugar in this season? And the mess; candy and sprinkles all over the table and floor, sticky royal icing smears on the chairs, walls, and table. Soggy gingerbread houses that clutter up my counters (because we have to keep them all). Everyone picks at them when they walk by, adding to the aesthetic of “racoons have been here.” I decided that maybe we could make winter snow villages from gingerbread and candy in January, when the frenzy of the holidays has morphed into a month that seems too long and boring. (I made an exception in December of 2020, because we were all stuck at home and we had the time and a need for an activity like that.)
I kept the meaningful traditions, like celebrating Swedish St. Lucia Day by making Lucia buns. My family is Swedish; this is a connection to tradition, family, and meaning. But making rice pudding to leave out for the Swedish Tomte (Household Elf) on Christmas Eve is a bridge too far. It’s extra work for me, and nobody even eats it. Tried it once; wasn’t worth the effort.
Not practical + not particularly meaningful = not something I am willing to spend time on during the holidays.
Cutting out extra things that lack meaning creates more bandwidth to really enjoy the meaningful parts of the season.
For me, things that pass the “purposeful” test include:
Decorating the house, putting up a Christmas tree
Helping my kids shop for loved ones
Shopping for Angel Tree gifts, Toys for Tots, or Operation Christmas Child
Special meals with loved ones on Christmas Eve
Some (not all) parties
Time with extended family
Church on Christmas Eve
Incorporating Christmas traditions from our time in the Netherlands, or from our Swedish heritage
Although the talk I gave years ago focused on “practical” and “purposeful” it really comes down to being intentional about how you spend your time and money. It involves slowing yourself down to realize that participating in allllllllll the things during the holidays is optional.
It still gets hectic. Emotions are high. Even if you try to drop your own expectations of the season, others still hang onto theirs and that can put you in tough situations.
I am here if you need some extra support to get through the next couple of months.
In the meantime, I am happy to let you borrow my mantra for the holidays,
“Do what I can, when I can, and decide it’s enough.”
Repeating this to myself helps me to stay grounded in reality instead of chasing after being the most festive, perfect, Christmas-magic-maker of a mom. It helps me be realistic about my expectations of other people, myself, and life. It reminds me to be intentional about how I spend my time, and to embrace the inevitable imperfections of the season with joy and compassion.
References
1. Tribole, E. & Resch, E. (2020). Intuitive eating; A revolutionary anti-diet approach (4th Ed) St. Martins Publishing Group.
2. Todd, E. (2019).Intuitive eating for Christian women. Retrieved from https://intuitiveeatingforchristianwomen.com/
Jennie Sheffe is a National Certified Counselor ™ who helps women find freedom from anxiety and peace in their chaos. She sees clients virtually in the state of Pennsylvania, or in her Carlisle, PA office. She offers Christian counseling and EMDR Therapy.
