5 Ways to Free Yourself from the Anxiety of People-Pleasing
You may not think of yourself as a people-pleaser. You just have a lot of stress. You are a perfectionist. You are spread too thin, people just need you all the time. You are busy. Honestly, as women, we legitimately tend to end up in situations where people need more from us than we have to give. We fill many roles, and they are all important. We want to fill those roles.
However, sometimes, we fall into a pattern of giving more than we have because that’s the only way we feel worthy of love.
We give our time, energy, and resources to others even when it depletes our own.
We apologize for things that are not our fault so we can smooth things over with people.
We need people to like us.
We sacrifice our own peace to appease someone else.
We become what others need to the extent that we don’t even remember who we are, what we need.
We become perfectionists, because if we can be perfect we are sure that others view us favorably.
We wear the badge of “busy” like it is a good thing. If we are always doing for others, then we must be good, right?
There is a time and a place to do for others. A balance to care for yourself and to care for others.
(photo credit: pexels-ivan-samkov-4240502)
This may seem to go against Christian values of service. In Philippians 2:3-4 (ESV), Paul says, “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”
Notice he does not say “ignore his own interests” but includes them.
God made you to be who you are, and you have needs, too.
He made people to need each other (Genesis 2:18), and that means you need other people to care for you as much as they need your care.
The path to becoming a people pleaser can start in childhood and include a number of factors.
Maybe you grew up in a home that valued avoiding conflict. Conflict feels scary to you, so you do whatever you can to make conflict go away – even if that means taking the fall for something that wasn’t your fault.
You may have had early experiences of rejection. You learned to morph into who others wanted you to be so you could fit in.
Someone important in your life may have put you in a role that made you feel like you were responsible for their moods. If they treated you poorly when they were in a bad mood, you learned to do whatever you could to help them be in a good mood. Your emotional or physical safety depended on it.
Maybe someone was repeatedly critical of you. Going the extra mile to make sure you get approval protects you from someone’s criticism of you.
Someone may have been harsh with you and it impacted you deeply. You made a vow with yourself that you would never treat anyone that way.
If you had a loved one who struggled with addiction you tried to cover for them. Maybe you were embarrassed for them, or for yourself. Often it plays out that you have a dependency on the relationship with that person and can’t bear the thought of upsetting them.
It could also be something as simple as living in a culture that values productivity and performance. You think you need to be involved in all the things or you will be behind. You are trying to please the invisible masses, who may or may not even notice your efforts.
So, what to do?
I have a few tips to try, but you may need to do some deeper work with a professional to understand the meanings you have attached to the importance of pleasing others. When we have insight as to why it started and what triggers those feelings and behaviors, we can start training our brain to react differently. You may have some hiccups along the way because doing something new takes some getting used to. The people you used to please may not love your changes at first.
Five beginning tips for people pleasers:
1.Set boundaries in your schedule.
It is easier to set boundaries in your calendar than it is to think of boundaries with people. Your calendar boundaries may inform your boundaries with people, but it’s something you decided ahead of time. It is easier to stick with something you decided ahead of time than have to make a decision in the moment.
Some examples of what this might look like include:
Not taking phone calls when you are in the middle of a conversation with someone in-person. If it’s important, they’ll leave a message.
Setting a time when you are done working for the day. This has become harder, and more important now that many of us do a lot of work from home. It can be easy to just keep working because it’s always there. It can help to set a time and maybe have a ritual when you end your work time for the day to send that message to yourself that you are transitioning to family time.
Deciding ahead of time how many social events you want to attend every month. This is especially important in months like December when you probably could be doing something fun and festive several times per week. It’s not so much fun to fa-la-la-la-la when you are running on fumes and have tons of shopping to get done.
2. Consider how much you want to help people.
We should want to help people, right? It’s a nice thing to do! But that doesn’t mean we need to (or can) help everyone.
You may not want to help but feel obligated to do so. You may want to say “No” to a thing but you need to consider where that obligation is coming from. There are times when we do want to make sacrifices to help our loved ones. The key is to make sure you are the one making the choice to help, instead of playing the martyr. This one may take some soul-searching. What meaning have you attached to being the person to step up and help in this way? If you are a believer, pray about what God would want you to do. Just because it’s something you can do, it doesn’t mean God called you to do it.
3. Don’t give an immediate answer.
I have learned I must always check my calendar before answering someone. People understand this, and that gives me time to think about whether I have the actual time in my schedule or just the emotional bandwidth to do what they are asking. When I have given myself space between their ask and my answer, I am more emotionally ready to handle their reaction to my “no.”
4. Exercise your “no muscle.”
You may have heard that “No” is a complete sentence. That may be technically true, but a simple “NO.” could come off as a bit rude! Certainly you can say, “No, I can’t help you this time” or “No, I do not have the capacity to take that on right now” without further explanation.
I am not going to say “always” here, because there are some people in our lives that deserve explanations if we want to stay on good relational terms with them. If your boss asks you to do something that is in your job description, it is probably important to explain why you will not do it. If your spouse asks you to act in a way that is outside your values, it is important for you to discuss this. Knowing each other’s values increases emotional intimacy and lays the foundation for mutual respect. If you can explain to your child why you are saying “no” to them, it will help them interpret the situation more accurately and start learning healthy boundaries themselves.
Practice ways you can say “No” and feel authentic about it. It’s important to practice so when you are in the situation, it rolls off the tongue (because you won’t always remember tip #3 about not answering immediately!)
5. Think about your “why.”
If you get solid on why you are setting these boundaries, you will keep something positive in focus. You will remind yourself that your “no” to this person means “yes” to your family. Your “no” to being the treasurer of that organization frees you up to say “yes” to something else more in line with what you love, like creating the newsletter. Your “no” to trying to cram that activity in your schedule now may mean “yes” to long-term family cohesion because now you have more time together at home. This is another excellent topic to pray about. Just like you can ask God whether he wants you to do something, you can seek Him on His plan for your life. Get clear on what you feel His vision is for your life and it will be easier to see what fits and what does not.
You may have guessed that I have learned these tips the hard way.
This is why I know the people-pleasing brain so well!
In fact, the reason I am putting this picture of me in this post is because it was my favorite picture from my photo session, but someone close to me thought it was a weird pose.
As I considered whether to select this photo for the package I would buy or not, I thought of my people-pleasing tendencies. I decided I needed this picture to remind myself that I need to let my own opinion matter.
When our own opinion matters, it is easier to be clear on where we want to spend our time, money, and emotional energy.
Your opinion matters to me.
Let me help you find it and figure out what steps you can take to support your values.
Jennie Sheffe is a National Certified Counselor ™ who helps women find freedom from anxiety and peace in their chaos. She sees clients virtually in the state of Pennsylvania, or in her downtown Carlisle, PA office. She offers Christian counseling and EMDR Therapy.
