10 Tips for Making Peace with Imperfection
“Oh, I am just a perfectionist!”
We toss that label around as if it is no big deal. This is an acceptable label, often used in an attempt to be self-deprecating yet still make ourselves look good. However, perfectionism can actually be a big deal. It definitely gets in the way of life satisfaction, and is linked to anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and suicide, not to mention serious illnesses.(1)
“The goal to be without blame very often is at the bottom of small and great human troubles. When people with such an aim seek and receive psychotherapy, they learn to face their own imperfection, instead of running after an impossible goal of perfection. They acquire the courage to be imperfect, the courage to work to become less and less perfect.” (2)
If you are like me when I first read this quote, you feel relief and terror all at the same time. (Ok, so more terror than relief.)
Learn to face my imperfection? What do you mean? I am in counseling to learn how to be more perfect, thank you very much. I want to handle my problems with resilience, like other people do. I want to fix my imperfections so I do not have to hide them anymore.
I want to be perfect.
Why do we strive for perfection?
We tie our perfection to our sense of worth. We labor under the delusion that perfect is possible.
It gives us some semblance of parameters, a bar that we can reach.
Perfection means we are ok. Control. If we can be perfect, then we can control the way people think of us.(3)
Perfectionism can show up in our attitudes about ourselves, others, and standards we assume others place on us. (1)
Even when we know that perfection may not be achievable, we believe it is worthwhile to aim that way anyway. “Shoot for the stars!” we say, “You might not get one but at least you won't end up with a fistful of dirt.” That's nice and all, but you might end up in the dirt anyway because you crash-landed, worn out from the sheer exhaustion of all that striving.
The thought of ending the striving is what brought a sense of relief when I read that initial quote about having courage to be imperfect. It would be so nice to feel “enough” as-is.
No striving, just existing.
But is that even possible? (Spoiler alert… yes! Maybe not perfectly, but enough that we can address it when we catch ourselves doing it again).
The striving has become habit. We don't know who we are or what to do without it. It informs our identities. We need to develop the habit of being okay with ourselves.
Striving can be a trauma response. If we can be perfect, we can control all the things, and nothing will take us by surprise. We won't be rejected, abandoned, unprepared, embarrassed.
Developing this habit of becoming perfectly imperfect is not easy, and that’s where the courage comes in.
We have to be willing to re-evaluate what we perceive others to think about us.
We need to challenge our standards of expectations against what is possible or feasible.
We identify what is worth doing and pour our time and effort into those things.
We normalize mistakes and recognize that we can learn much from them.
We learn to value ourselves whether we are perfect or not.
If we are believers, we can rest in knowing that God values us (and He definitely knows all of our imperfections!).
If this resonates with you, now you may be wondering, how do I do this work to stop my perfectionist tendencies?
Here are 10 tips to start developing the courage to be imperfect.
1. Make a list of where you notice your anxious striving to be perfect.
Awareness is often the first step to change.
Journaling can be a great tool to slow down your thoughts and unpack the meanings you have unknowingly attached to perfectionist behaviors.
2. Pay attention to how you talk to yourself.
Do you tend to be critical of yourself? Notice the situations where this happens.
3. Narrow your focus of attack.
You will want to tackle alllllll the areas you just wrote down. But don't. Just pick a few. Or just one. We are not reaching for stars here. We just want to get out of the dirt.
4. Ask yourself how you could do that thing less perfectly.
Do you give yourself deadlines? Extend them.
What standard do you measure “perfection” regarding that thing?
What is the difference between “perfection” and “good enough?”
What do you need to be brave enough to experiment with “good enough?”
5. Pick something and purposefully do it less-than-perfectly so you can practice tolerating the anxiety of not being perfect.
Maybe when you mop your floors, you skip the dining room. Will anyone even notice? Pay attention. I bet they don't. Notice how much more time you have because you didn't do that thing.
Attend to the fact that the world keeps turning even when you don't bake those cookies for the bake sale.
There may be things that only you notice, and in fact, you do care. Pay attention to that, too.
If you are a journal-er, this would be a good thing to write about. Why is perfection at this thing extra important? What am I making it mean to me?
6. Celebrate the things you didn't do perfectly.
Leave the typo in the email and chuckl to yourslef.
Don’t fix that chip in your nail polish; instead let it be practice to tolerate your own imperfections. (And think about how much time you are saving by not taking the time to redo your whole manicure).
7. Notice what you follow on social media.
Heather Creekmore has some great resources about the negative impact of comparing your life to someone else’s.
When you are looking at what other people post, do you stop to think about the fact that what you just saw isn't the whole picture? We don't usually share the less than glamorous/successful/witty stuff publicly. It's easy to think everyone but you has their life together. Maybe take a break from scrolling for a while.
8. Change up the way you manage your time.
If you are a slave to your daily to do list, maybe try making a weekly list instead. Circle the high priority things or write them in bigger letters to give yourself a visual that those things are the most important. You can find more tips on time management here.
9. Remind yourself that you can say “No”.
You may want to read my related post on people-pleasing and boundaries. For now, just know that you rarely (I hate to say "never") owe anyone a detailed explanation.
10. Tap into some spiritual perspective.
Taking a step back to think about your place in the world can help you remember that other people are not actually judging you as much as you think they are. The things that loom in your brain with intense urgency are not always huge things with a vast impact.
Connecting with your faith can also help you rest, knowing that someone bigger than you is equipping you to do what you’ve been called to do and also equipping you to be able to handle (and use) any mistakes you may make along the way.
If you are a person of faith, it can be so comforting to remember that you don't have to be perfect because God's power is made perfect in your weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).
You might want a professional helping you walk through this process, because if you are someone who deals with perfectionism, you may try to find a perfect way to stop being a perfectionist.
(Yeah, that doesn’t exist, but trying to find that perfect solution can further trap you in your perfectionist behaviors and add even more distance between you and your goal of conquering perfectionism).
For more on what perfectionism is and how it shows up, you can visit a related blog post here.
You may have deeper traumas connected to your perfectionism. This is another reason to have a professional come alongside you to uncover those core beliefs. EMDR can be particularly helpful in getting at those memory networks that trigger your perfectionist parts.
If you are looking for a professional to help you with this, I happen to know one! Be forewarned, though… she’s not perfect!
References:
(1) https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/323323#Living-with-a-harsh-inner-voice
(2) Lazarsfeld, S. (1991). The courage for imperfection. Individual Psychology: The Journal of Adlerian Theory, Research & Practice, 47(1), pp. 94-95
Jennie Sheffe is a National Certified Counselor ™ who helps women find freedom from anxiety and peace in their chaos. She sees clients virtually in the state of Pennsylvania, or in her Carlisle, PA office. She offers Christian counseling and EMDR Therapy.
