Why Christian Women Want a Christian Counselor
Have you ever been in a crowd of people and yet felt completely lonely? It’s like a thick blanket of shame is covering you with heaviness. You are unseen. And yet, you feel this obligation to be seen as happy, put-together, optimistic.
Christian women can feel painfully alone in our struggles.
We assume that if we are not happy, put-together, optimistic, we must lack faith.
If we share this struggle, then everyone will know we are not trusting God the way we are supposed to. To complicate matters, sometimes our relationships with our parents or our husbands play a role in our unhappiness. The Bible tells us to respect our husbands (Ephesians 5:33) and honor our mother and father (Ephesians 6:2-3).
Where do we go with these feelings if we feel alone at church? This is a bigger cultural issue of developing the courage to be real with others about our struggles and the ability to sit with those who are struggling.
We are a “fix it” culture, and in Christian circles we often resort to pat answers to fix it.
“I’ll pray for you.”
“Just have faith.”
“You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you.” (Phil 4:13)
While these things are true and beneficial, they leave the sufferer feeling alone and invalidated. They perpetuate the myth that suffering shouldn’t be painful instead of saying,
“I see you in your pain. That must be so hard. It makes sense that you are feeling this way. How can I support you?”
I call such pat answers and other popular beliefs in Christian circles “Christianisms.” Likewise, there are popular beliefs circulated as psychology advice that are not completely aligned with the Christian faith. Christian women need someone who is bilingual, a Christian counselor who speaks the language of Christian culture and the language of pop psychology.
Let me describe what I mean by “Christianisms” and “Psychologyisms” and give you a feel for how I work with them.
“Christianisms”
A “Christianism” is an idea that gets circulated among Christians. Sometimes they are based on Scripture, and sometimes they are not (but they seem like they are).
For example, “God will not give you more than you can handle.”
I have believed that myself, but it is not actually in the Bible. I am thankful that someone in my life group called me out on thinking this was a Biblical belief. Truth is, God never expects us to manage the tough stuff in our lives by ourselves. He is there to provide a refuge (Psalms 9:9-10) strength (Isaiah 40:29), peace (Philippians 4:7), and hope (Romans 8:28).
Another way “Christianisms” can impact us is when we think too narrowly or rigidly about Bible verses.
An example that is particularly relevant to my work is the way Christians tend to think about anxiety. The Bible is full of encouragement to refrain from being anxious or fearful. In fact the verse I just referenced about peace is preceded by a verse that says “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7)
So, what if you pray all the time, give thanks, read your Bible, get involved in your church and serve God, but you still feel anxious?
It leaves you feeling like you have nowhere to go with those feelings. It isolates, because you feel shameful that you haven’t figured out to how to unlock that peace that passes all understanding. Cue the feelings of “not good enough.” I was so encouraged to see that Dr. Alison Cook writes about this in her new book The Best of You.(1)
David expressed anxiety, and yet he carries the reputation of being a man after God’s own heart. The Psalms show us that he clung to God as he wrestled with the entire spectrum of emotions. The fact that he was struggling did not prevent him from being mentioned in the “Hall of Faith” (Hebrews 11:32). So many of his Psalms are comforting because they validate our experiences.
Anxiety is not a sign that you are a bad Christian.
It’s an indicator that there is something we need to address. Something is hard, and we have needs related to this thing. We may have history that makes it hard to manage our emotions around this thing. When we have well-worn paths of anxious responses, we may need some help redirecting our brains, remembering to pray, remembering God’s power to help. We could use someone to be with us, to see our pain. Someone to help us identify what we need to pay attention to. Someone to support us in the work of healing our past patterns and directing our minds to what God wants for us.
Working through anxiety with God’s help can bring powerful, lasting healing to our anxious responses.
The encouragement to not be anxious is just that… encouragement! There is hope! God offers a solution, but you might just need some help to clear out the mistaken beliefs that keep you from experiencing His peace. You may just need someone to come alongside you while you work it out with God.
“Psychologyisms”
The field of psychology has not always been so accepting of spiritual and religious beliefs. More recently, they have realized that spiritual and religious beliefs are meaning-making networks that can facilitate client healing in a powerful way(2). However, our preconceived ideas of the field of psychology may linger in our brains and prevent us from trusting anyone in the field. We don’t want to be misunderstood.
We don’t want our beliefs dismissed as a nice story or worse, a delusional belief.
Christian women want to honor God as they pursue therapeutic healing, and some of the things we hear in pop psychology do not always align with a Christian world view. We don’t always stop to challenge these things because they become so accepted in our culture.
Social media is chock full of psychological advice. To be fair, there is some really good stuff out there. But anyone can say anything on those platforms and we don’t know if it’s solid counsel or not. Often we just take it in while scrolling without doing the critical thinking to test it. Our culture is so immersed in whatever is on social media, we can let what we see morph into something we believe as true.
One example is the way we focus on self-confidence.
We get a lot of messages aimed at improving our self-esteem so we can be confident. Not that having an accurate awareness of our strengths or being confident is a bad thing. It’s just easy to focus too much on ourselves when we are working on becoming confident. Every time I have run down that road, God meets me with a reminder that I really need to have God-confidence instead of self-confidence. Any strengths that shine through me are from Him. I can be confident in what I am doing because I know who I am in Him. If He has called me to do something, then I can be confident in obeying Him, whether other people approve or not. I can let the outcomes of my actions rest with Him as long as I stay connected to Him and seek His will. For me, the concept of self-confidence is not big enough to actually give me confidence.
Another thing we hear a lot about “self-care.”
A lot of Christian women think that self-care is selfish. It’s not. But it could be.
If I am spending money to get massages and manicures, there may not be enough money in the budget for things my family needs. I may think it’s appropriate to go into debt because “I need my self-care”. My family may not have me home when they need me because my self-care is so time consuming.
I may feel good but I am not caring for my family well, which could eventually cause me to not feel good anymore. (I am not knocking massages and manicures! If you like them, and can fit them into your schedule and budget in a way that works for your family, go for it!) Self-care is not free reign to just go and do whatever you want to do all the time and justify it with, “It’s my self-care.”
We need balance in this area, especially as Christians who desire to serve others.
We do need to take care of ourselves; this is not a sinful thing to do. Jesus’ second greatest commandment was to “love your neighbor as yourself” (Mark 12:31, ESV). There is an assumption that you are going to love yourself. Ephesians 5:29 (ESV) even states, “For no one ever hated his own flesh but nourishes it and cherishes it just as Christ does the church.”
Char-Lee Cassel conceptualizes “self-care” as “soul-care” and I love this so much! As Christian women, our self-care may not look as glamorous as the self-care we see in the media. We need to think through what really nourishes our souls, keeps us connected to Jesus. This may be prayer, Bible study, scripture memory as well as more secular things, like journaling, bubble baths, and playing with pets. It might be practical, like building margin into your schedule and setting some boundaries so you have the bandwidth to serve God the way He’s called you to, instead of doing all the things all the time.
A Christian counselor can help you sort through the “christianisms” and “psychologyisms” you bring into the therapy room. She can bear witness to your pain. She can help you cling to God and invite Him to show you what your emotions are trying to tell you. Where you need healing.
Sorting out what is of God and what isn’t can be confusing because there is so much out there that looks good and sounds about right. A Christian counselor can ask you questions to help you identify which solutions jive with your faith and which don’t. Together, we can seek God’s heart for you.
I am here if you want that kind of help.
References
(1) Cook, A. (2022). The best of you. Thomas Nelson.
(2) Paul. P. (2005). With God as my shrink. Psychology Today. May/June, 63-68.
(3) Cassel, C. & Todd, E. (Hosts). (2021, January 23). Principle 7 Cope with your feelings without using food (No. 11) [Audio podcast episode]. In Intuitive eating for christian women podcast. https://intuitiveeatingforchristianwomen.com/episode-11-principle-7-cope-with-your-feelings-without-using-food/
Jennie Sheffe is a National Certified Counselor ™ who helps women find freedom from anxiety and peace in their chaos. She sees clients virtually in the state of Pennsylvania, or in her downtown Carlisle, PA office. She offers Christian counseling and EMDR Therapy.
