10 Ways to Improve Your Self-Esteem

Self-esteem is such a buzzword in the world of psychology. However, researchers are finding that having a lot of self-esteem is not all it’s cracked up to be. Kristen Neff (1) writes about how it is more important to have accurate self-esteem instead of lots of self-esteem. She really writes more about how we need to have self-compassion, but that is another blog post entirely.

When we have accurate self-esteem we are less likely to fall into the depths of despair when we do not measure up to other people, because we set realistic expectations of ourselves. We know that we are good at some things, so we do not feel pressure to be outstanding at everything. We are also kinder and more respectful to other people. We know we are not the end-all-be-all gift to humanity. We also may be quicker show grace to others who, like us, make mistakes.

Too much focus on ourselves is often thought of as pride or self-centeredness, but when we have low self-esteem we are also putting too much focus on ourselves (2). We don’t realize this, because our thoughts about ourselves are negative and so constant that they don’t feel like intentional focus on ourselves. It feels like we are just existing in this place of continual shame and “less than.”

Somewhere along the way, these thoughts took form and our brains practiced them until they became beliefs. Our brains believed these lies, and then looked for evidence that they are true. We expect them to be true, and it all happens automatically. Intentional thought morphs into a backdrop of negative messages. We develop a filter through which we look at life; this filter shows us that we are not enough.

These negative thoughts do not feel optional.

Here’s how it happens:

A little girl wanted to play “circus” with her friends during recess. The friends got to be the beautiful circus ponies, but those friends decided that the little girl had to be the clown. Thoughts of “what’s wrong with me?” “Why am I not good enough to be a pony?” started forming.

Kids in the neighborhood sometimes included her in their games, and sometimes they didn’t. When they didn’t, her thoughts followed that path of “I am not good enough to be included.”

In ballet class, the other girls teased her because her body changed before theirs did. “Something is wrong with me. I don’t fit in.”

Some kids at school were popular. She was not. The only logic she could find in how this worked out was that for some reason, she was (you guessed it) “not enough.”

A middle school guidance counselor told her she wasn’t the type of kid who would go to college. By this time that path was well-worn. “Of course not. I am not good enough.”

This is my story, and thankfully, God showed up in a big way at this point in the story. I learned that although I did not think my life was of much value, He valued me so much that He was willing to die on a cross for me.

My story changed drastically after I decided to trust Him.

But those thoughts left roads in my brain that I can still travel if I am not careful. For many years I went into social settings just assuming that nobody would want to hear what I had to say. I was an over-functioner so I could look like I had it all together, so people would think I was good enough. Self-esteem issues can very easily mix in with perfectionism and people-pleasing. I felt fake when they did think I was good enough, like I was hiding something. I couldn’t win.

I’ve done a lot of work on those thoughts.

I’ve laid down new roads in my brain.

I notice when I am tempted to travel an old road and (usually) find ways to intentionally take a detour.

I notice when I am tempted to travel an old road and (usually) find ways to intentionally take a detour.

Sometimes I have to override that internal GPS that thinks those old roads are the only way. I know the discomfort of “recalculating….recalculating…recalculating” and feeling as if the new way is going to steer me wrong. Our brains like to do what is comfortable, and if we spend many years creating certain neural pathways, they feel like the way home. We need to notice our thoughts and boss them around a little bit. I wrote about this in my blog post about overthinking.

When people come to counseling to work on self-esteem, we can unearth the root of these beliefs and become aware of possible trauma associated with creating these beliefs. EMDR can be a very effective approach to working with these thoughts. So can talking.

When we understand where these beliefs started, we can also understand how our younger selves interpreted them that way. We can see the themes in our thoughts, so when the next one pops up, we can say, “I know what this is, and we are not doing that today.”

For believers, it is especially powerful to nestle our beliefs about ourselves into the context of how God thinks about us.

Zephaniah 3:17 says He delights in us! If more Christians could connect to how incredibly powerful God is, and how He really does love us beyond measure without any striving from us, we would not have nearly as many problems in life. That perspective gives so much hope and trust that God will take care of whatever we need, but we need to be intentional about focusing our mind there.

Aside from the deep work with a therapist, here are some ways to keep those thoughts of low self-esteem in check.

10 Tips to Improve your Self-Esteem

1. Get outside. It’s amazing what some fresh air will do! When we are outside we also see more of the world around us. We tap into the fact that our problems are not the only thing happening. It helps us remember the bigger picture perspective.

2. Get some exercise. (This one works great with getting outside!) Get those endorphins pumping through your body. Focus on how good it feels to do something good with your body. (I do not recommend this if you are exercising to punish yourself for overeating, though. If you are recovering from disordered eating, exercise may have all kinds of extra meanings attached that can be damaging if you are not in a good headspace about it.)

3. Spend time with an animal. It’s hard to spend time with a dog and not feel happy (cats are a crap shoot). Pets can offer connection and comedy that helps you take your mind off yourself.

4. Do some deep breathing. This is such an overlooked coping skill – nobody expects something so simple to be as effective as it actually is. When you are stuck in a negative thought loop, deep breathing helps you focus your brain on the breathing, on the current moment. If you want to add some thoughts to it, you can think positive words as you inhale, and negative words as you exhale. Breathe in “enough.” Breathe out “rejection.”

5. Journal. Write about the things you are good at. What are your natural gifts? What do you love to do? Reflect on times you were able to use your strengths to help others.

6. List things you are thankful for. When we get in a rut about the things we lack, we often forget how much we have. There is a lot of research that indicates that gratitude is more than just a nice idea. For more information, you might want to check out this article by Brown & Wong.

7. Do something for other people. It takes the focus off yourself. It also reminds you that other people also have struggles and you are not alone in yours, which is one of the tenets of Kristen Neff’s (1) work.

8. Normalize mistakes. We all make them. Most of the time they are not catastrophic. We always learn something from them. Instead of beating yourself up for your mistakes, try using them as guides to let you know what you still need to learn.

9. Manage your expectations. When you are new at something, you are not going to be the best at it right away without trying. The people who can tolerate the discomfort of not being good at something are the ones who develop the skill they need to become good at it. If it’s something you really want to learn or be, do it! You are going to stink at it! But not for long.

10. Find the power in the word, “yet.” Carol Dweck writes about the concept of a growth mindset. There is power and freedom in accepting yourself as a work in progress. Adding the word “yet” to those negative thoughts that bombard you can completely flip the message. “I’m not good enough, YET.” That points your brain to the possibility that you can be good enough. Thinking it is possible to be good enough is more believable to those well-worn roads of low self-esteem than trying to think you already are good enough. It points your brain in the right direction while you go to therapy and work on that deeper stuff.

Low self-esteem is often a factor in anxiety. Without an accurate sense of our own value, we are anxious about living up to our perceptions of others’ expectations and develop unrealistic expectations of ourselves.

If you want some help identifying those automatic thoughts that keep you traveling roads of low self-esteem, please reach out. I’d be delighted to help you create a new map to destinations of accurate self-esteem and self-compassion.

References

(1) Neff, Kristen (2015), Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow Paperbacks.

(2) https://ashleyvarner.com/what-does-the-bible-say-about-low-self-esteem/

(3) https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_gratitude_changes_you_and_your_brain

(4) https://fs.blog/carol-dweck-mindset/

Jennie Sheffe is a National Certified Counselor ™ who helps women find freedom from anxiety and peace in their chaos. She sees clients virtually in the state of Pennsylvania, or in her downtown Carlisle, PA office. She offers Christian counseling and EMDR Therapy.