5 Ways to Better Understand Your Emotions
“You are just too sensitive.”
Are you, though?
Or are you someone who is just really in touch with her emotions?
When did being sensitive become a bad thing?
People who are aware of their emotions, those who get allllllll the big feels are often shamed for being emotional. Our culture tends to look at emotionality as a sign of weakness. While it’s true that we can become emotionally flooded which takes us out of connection with the rational part of our brains temporarily (1), it is important to pay attention to those emotions that come up. They hold valuable information.
Emotions are signs that there is something going on inside that needs our attention.
I like to personify my emotions so I can visualize myself having a conversation with them.
For example, if I am sad, I imagine myself being visited by a frail being who tries to cover me up with a heavy, gray blanket. If I feel overwhelmed I imagine a bunch of unruly children running amok. Everywhere. Joy is a bouncing ball of light, spreading its warm glow to the corners of my soul. Thinking of emotions this way helps me identify what emotions I am feeling.
Doing this also helps me remind myself that my emotions are there for a reason. Some make life richer, like the tears of pride and joy that overcome me whenever I get to watch one of my kids doing their thing. I don’t usually need to visualize the positive feelings, because I know why they are there and I want to enjoy them.
Negative emotions are the ones that tend to be more problematic. We want to get rid of those as soon as possible. Our culture doesn’t know what to do with negative emotions. Often someone who is crying will be told, “Don’t cry, it’s ok.” Sometimes its not ok, and we need permission to call it “not ok.”
There is so much healing that happens when another human can say “it makes sense that you would feel that way.”
We internalize pressure to “be fine” because we are worried about what other people think of us. We think we can control how other people think of us if we can pull off this façade of being okay with the tough stuff. We want to appear strong, optimistic, as if we have got it together amidst our struggles.
We (understandably) don’t like how those negative emotions feel. We want to push them aside or stuff them down so we don’t have to feel them.
Often feeling them is the way forward.
We need to slow down and name what we are feeling. We need to bear witness to the fact that this emotion is here, and that it makes sense that it’s here because emotions are just part of the human experience. We need to consider why this particular emotion is coming up right now.
As I have studied more about the internal family systems model of therapy, I have started to think about what part of me is feeling that emotion. Internal Family Systems breaks down “parts of self” into exiles, protectors/managers, and firefighters.
Exiles are those parts of us that don’t feel good, those negative emotions. They are those parts that hold shameful secrets that nobody else can know. They are the parts we are not proud of.
Protectors/Managers are the parts that step up and make sure nobody sees the exiles. These are usually the parts with critical voices, who push us to be perfect, to get it together. These are the parts with rigid schedules and rules, the ones with strong opinions about what is ok and not ok. These parts are usually the ones that try to get you to avoid your feelings because they are afraid you may not be able to function if you feel them.
Firefighters are the parts that step in when the Protectors/Managers are not keeping up with their job of hiding the exiles. Maybe life circumstances become too much, the Protectors do not have the bandwidth to keep it contained, so the Firefighters come in and numb it all out, say by drinking a lot, overeating, overworking, or bingeing Netflix.
These “parts” are all actually memory networks. It’s just easier for our brains to understand them if we think of them as parts. They are all aspects of you, often linked to certain memories that caused them to take on this role.
The presence of an emotion is often a clue that a part of self is activated.
Parts of self have different roles, and they are often younger versions of yourself.
They can hold pieces of events that felt like too much for you to deal with at the time. When something in your present life triggers that part, you go right back to feeling like it’s too much for you; you resort to the coping strategies you had available to you at the time.
These parts can be associated to other memories. Our brains love to make connections! This is one reason why EMDR therapy can be so effective in unearthing the root issues – it allows your brain to take you on a journey to be able to see what it has connected.
Parts of self need to be seen and heard. They will keep popping up until you understand them, because they hold a story you need to deal with.
Once we know what you part are dealing with, we can understand what it needs and figure out the best way to move forward.
Maybe that exile part needs the courage to speak up about something. Or she needs to see that she is good at something. She needs to know it was not her fault that something bad happened. She needs to know there isn’t actually anything wrong with her. She needs to know that her very capable adult self can handle those things that she couldn’t handle once upon a time.
The protector parts and firefighter parts may need to know this, too. Then they can step back instead of trying to take over with their misguided coping strategies. They may need to see that by coming on too strong, they can sabotage the whole thing, and make things worse.
These are all things we work on in therapy sessions. It can feel upsetting to bring some of this up, so you may need someone to support you as you work through your emotions connected to your parts. If it feels unsafe to feel your emotions, it would be wise for you to get some coping strategies in place and test the waters with a counselor.
What can you do at home to work with your emotions and parts?
5 Ways to Better Understand Your Emotions
Notice when you are having an emotion.
Notice what it feels like in your body. Is it associated with a certain place in your body? A tension somewhere? A warmth? What physical sensations do you have with this emotion?
This may sound a little weird, but imagine what the emotion might look like in your body. Does it have a shape? A color? For example, anger might feel like red flames behind your eyes. Anxiety might feel like your insides are composed of taught rubber bands. Sadness could feel like a gloomy fog that creeps over your whole body and weighs you down. Really getting curious about how this emotion feels in your body can help you start to understand why you might be feeling it.
Ask yourself what this emotion needs you to know. It might be helpful to journal this – make a list of 20 things this emotion might want you to know. Some of them may be preposterous, but forcing yourself to make a list that is bigger than you think you can come up with will force your brain to really stretch. A few of the things you write down will probably jump out at you and give you some clarity.
Once you have an idea of what the emotion needs you to know, you can decide if there is anything actionable.
Loneliness can be a sign that you need to reach out to someone.
Resentment may mean that you are not doing enough to take care of yourself or set boundaries.
Anxiety can often be a sign that you are holding something that is not really yours to hold. What would it take for you to release it?
Grief often needs you to remember your loved one, or a special season of life that is now over. Acknowledging the value of the thing you are grieving can allow grief to settle down because it knows it won’t be forgotten.
Often we are afraid of our emotions. They feel too big and powerful, and we say, “I can’t.”
You can!
I’m here to walk through this process with you if you want some help.
References
(1) Manes, S. (2022) Making sure emotional flooding doesn’t capsize your relationship. Gottman.com. https://www.gottman.com/blog/making-sure-emotional-flooding-doesnt-capsize-your-relationship/
(2) Schwartz, R.C.(2001). Introduction to the internal family systems model. Trailheads Publications.
Jennie Sheffe is a National Certified Counselor ™ who helps women find freedom from anxiety and peace in their chaos. She sees clients virtually in the state of Pennsylvania, or in her downtown Carlisle, PA office. She offers Christian counseling and EMDR Therapy.
