10 Ways to Manage People-Pleasing and Perfectionism During the Holidays
Do you feel it in the air? That is the heaviness of frenzied pressure to find the perfect gift for our loved ones. Advertisements prey on our insecurities and entice us to spend money on that thing that is just sure to deliver.
Selecting gifts creates a sense of urgency that is more pressing for women who struggle with people-pleasing and perfectionism.
This is because, quite simply, we attach meaning about ourselves to the act of giving gifts. The gift is more than a way to bless someone; it is also a way to feel good enough, to maintain an image of perfection, proof that you are a thoughtful/classy/organized/giving/good person.
The first time I noticed this in myself was when I was newly married. (Notice a theme here? Yes, this post picks up right where last week’s post about the clash of “normals” left off!). I opened my presents Christmas morning and was completely overwhelmed by my husband’s thoughtfulness and extravagance which was in stark contrast to the frugal and practical things I had bought for him.
I had some of my own baggage attached to my reasons for why I didn’t buy much. I was so used to being on a strict budget with my meager teacher’s salary that it just felt wrong to spend much on Christmas. I am honestly trying to remember – maybe we hadn’t figured out as a couple that if we created our own budget I wouldn’t feel guilty about spending? Regardless, I was mortified when I realized my mistake. I bought time by fibbing that I ordered something that hadn’t arrived yet. The next day, I ran out and got another gift.
I was grasping for a last minute idea. The actual gift I landed on was not actually something he would like. It was an attempt at spending about the same amount he spent on me. When I realized this, I internally beat myself up for my ridiculous reaction to this feeling of pressure to frantically be “good enough.” (I had not learned self-compassion yet. And I hadn’t learned that my reaction was really a coping strategy that wasn’t working for me anymore). If I remember right, I think I explained what was going on in my head shortly after he unwrapped the gift. He reassured me that my worth in his eyes was not dependent on what was under the tree for him. And we took the gift back.
I didn’t recognize myself as a people-pleaser back then. I knew I had some self-esteem issues, and I felt terrible that I didn’t know how to fix them. The critical part of my brain had a hey day with that. “Your self-esteem is terrible! Why can’t you fix it? What’s wrong with you? You are a good person with an amazing husband who loves you and you are going to push him away because you are such a mess. Get it together. Find a way to like yourself. RIGHT NOW.”
It wasn’t until after I had done some personal work that I started recognizing my people pleasing stuff showing up in gift giving. I was making the act of gift giving mean that I am good enough at loving them. I want to always be a thoughtful gift giver, but I had to learn to separate my worth from my ability to capture my love for someone through something I can buy.
Gift giving isn’t the only way people-pleasing and perfectionism shows up at the holidays.
Making sure your house is impeccably decorated might be more about creating an atmosphere that makes you look like Martha Stewart; like you’ve got all the holiday stuff together and you are impeccably making memory-filled magic for your family.
This goes along with hosting all the parties and attending all the events, preparing festive goodie bags for your kids to give their friends at school. You’ve got the elf on the shelf doing the most clever things every night, and you are reading storybooks about Christmas and making gingerbread houses and doing things with glitter. You are making decadent delicacies to share with neighbors, but you still look smokin’ hot in that little black dress, and your house is spotless.
To be clear: I am not saying these things are always about people pleasing. Some people genuinely have a knack for decorating, or baking, or any other given holiday activities. They may love hosting. Or going to all the parties. They may naturally look fabulous without even trying. But if those things exhaust you, feel unattainable, or cause you to be crabby during the holidays, then maybe it is about something deeper for you.
So what do you do if you suspect people pleasing or perfectionism are driving your urgency during the holidays?
1. First you have to notice that you are in people-pleasing or perfectionist mode. This can look like:
feeling unappreciated
doing something out of obligation
staying up late
feeling exhausted
rushing
feeling anxious
engaging in activities that numb you out and provide temporary relief from negative feelings (overeating, too much wine, mindless scrolling, spending too much)
2. Check in with yourself. Do some journaling. What part of you feels loud right now? What does it need? How are your anxious behaviors helping that part of you to feel safe, included, enough, or something else?
3. When you have identified what you need, see if there is way to give it to yourself. This might mean skipping an event. Or not baking something. Or letting something be less than perfect. It might mean that you need to find some alone time. I am not a big fan of multi-tasking, but during this season if I can combine online shopping for Christmas gifts with a bubble bath that gives me some relaxing alone time when I can also be productive.
4. Give yourself grace. On repeat. You have created these neural pathways over the years that send you into anxiety mode. Your body is used to reacting this way. Your brain will not change overnight and it will feel weird to make these changes. You need some compassion for yourself in what you are trying to do.
5. Focus on what you can do. Maybe there is a quick task that you can accomplish that will help you feel more in control of everything else. (I just took 15 minutes this morning to clean out my email inbox. Made a big difference to clear out some mental clutter). Think about that one gift you found that you can’t wait to give someone. So maybe the rest of the gifts you found were just “meh,” but that one is going to just delight that one person. Can that be enough? Do you singlehandedly need to be the one who brings joy to everyone this year?
6. Give yourself to others in the middle of the busy. Smile at the irritated customers standing in the long grocery line. Offer a word of encouragement or a compliment to the sales clerk. When you intentionally focus on making someone else’s ordinary moments better, yours tend to get better too.
7. Be present. Let time stand still, if just for a few moments. Engage your senses. Sip that peppermint mocha slowly. Close your eyes and really take in that Christmas song you love. Admire the twinkling lights around your neighborhood. Let yourself shed tears of pride and joy to watch your child in her Christmas performance.
8. Practice gratitude. Along with presence comes gratefulness. It is hard to be solidly grounded in the moment without being thankful for it. Maybe keep a journal of mental pictures you want to remember from the season. Just something you jot down on a piece of paper or in your calendar. It doesn’t have to be artfully created, in fact it might be good for your well-being to do something like this that is intentionally imperfect.
9. If you are a person of faith, take time to focus on God. When we get a glimpse of Him, it puts everything else into perspective. Ask Him how He wants you to move through the holiday season. Tell Him your stressors, your fears, your needs. After all, He is the Wonderful Counselor, Prince of Peace.
10. The perfectionist in me wanted to come up with one more thing. But I have some online shopping to do right now…
For additional resources to working on perfectionism, people pleasing, and overthinking, you might find some of my past blog posts helpful. I am here to help if you would like individualized help working through these things.
10 Tips for Making Peace With Imperfection
5 Tips to Start Overcoming People-Pleasing
How to deal with Overthinking using the FACETS Approach
Jennie Sheffe is a National Certified Counselor ™ who helps women find freedom from anxiety and peace in their chaos. She sees clients virtually in the state of Pennsylvania, or in her office in Carlisle, PA. She offers Christian counseling and EMDR Therapy.
