Transitions.

Whew! They can suck the life out of you and make you feel all cattywampus, can’t they? All the while making you tingle with the excitement of what is coming next.

This spring my husband retired from 30 years of military service and has started a second career, while my youngest child graduated from high school.

Our family is stepping into new versions of “normal” on several levels.

It’s been busy enough that I haven’t had a lot of time to focus on it, but now that the retirement party is behind us and all the end-of-school-year banquets and senior celebrations are fond memories, I have time to think about it.

It’s an exciting time, because it is one of those decision points in life where we are facing a blank chapter. I say it’s a decision point, because we have a lot of autonomy right now about how we author it.

When you have kids in school or you are tied to a certain job and schedule, a lot of things are decided for you and you just have to try and fit it all in. There are responsibilities that leave you with little wiggle room.

But when you move out of one season and into another, you have a brief period where you have left the old obligations and haven’t picked up the new ones just yet.

It reminds me a little bit of that sweet spot in our military relocations when it was just our family in the car on our way to a new destination.

There was some sadness about leaving the life we created at the last destination, but lots of excitement about the unknown.

And maybe a little trepidation. Uncertainty is always a little scary, but it is a constant in our life.

Above all, this sweet spot often brings an overarching sense that we have the chance to write in a bit of a fresh start; to redefine life as we know it.

I think it is important to be very thoughtful and deliberate when we face these life transitions.

Sometimes life doesn’t let us take time to be thoughtful; sometimes those transitions happen fast and are forced upon us. Even when that happens, we can usually figure out a way to carve out some time to slow down and be intentional about how we move through the transition. This is time well spent.

Things to consider during a life transition

Closure

How can you appropriately grieve the losses that come with the end of that era?

Steve Arterburn wrote that “grieving is a choice to heal the future.” (1, p. 83)

You may not want to think about the losses that come with this transition. I get it. It’s not fun.

Some transitions can feel sad, and we tend to feel weak when we think about our losses. But not thinking about them can get us caught up in unhealthy ways of coping, and all of a sudden we have new problems to deal with. As I have written before, stuffing our emotions down rarely ends up being helpful in the long run.

Identify your losses.

What are the things you will miss?
What was so special about this era of life?
Name the thoughts and feelings connected to those losses.
Maybe just brainstorm a list related to each loss.
I think....
I feel...
Write down anything that comes into your head, even if it doesn’t completely make sense.
The ones that don’t make sense often give us the most insight as to where the brain might be going automatically. By uncovering the automatic thoughts, we have the chance to manage those thoughts (they are very often pretty irrational, or limiting beliefs that are based on fear).
What makes sense about those thoughts? Feelings?

Connection

Woman with both hands on her heart — Memorialize the things you want to hold close in your heart.

How can you be creative about keeping those things with you, or honoring those memories?

Maybe just journaling about it might be enough.
Maybe you make plans to stay in contact with someone special from that season of life.
Maybe you put together a photo album.
Maybe you have a certain article of clothing or jewelry that reminds you of that time. Attaching meaning to it can make you feel connected to the loved person, place, or season of life anytime you wear it.
Maybe you just visualize it in a special way.
One of the losses I have worked through in this season is the finality of the end of the “Mommy Era.” My kids have long ago replaced “Mommy,” with “Mom,” but with the youngest newly graduated, I feel like the door to that season of life has closed with finality.
I loved being a Mommy, and I am forever thankful for that season of life.
I loved being able to snuggle my littles, and I especially loved having the power to make everything better when they faced hard things.
I have go-to memories of holding my kids as babies that I can draw on anytime I want to re-visit that season in my imagination.
I visualize what their nursery looked like as I rocked them. I try to remember everything about that room.
- What did I feel? The softness of a chenille blanket, wisps of baby hair against my cheek.
- What did I hear? Those precious little baby breaths, sometimes little sighs and coos.
- What did I smell? Oh, that baby smell! I don’t know how else to describe it, but any mom knows what I am talking about.
- What did I taste? In this case, there wasn’t a taste, but it is good to ask this question when you are trying to tap into a visualization with your 5 senses, so I included it here.
The point is to pull up descriptive sensory information as you visualize that scene, and just let yourself enjoy a few moments there, even if it’s just in your mind’s eye.

Creation

With your memories tucked away in a safe place, close to your heart, you can turn your attention to the unwritten future.

What do you want to keep from that last season of life?

Is it appropriate to keep that?

I was initially thinking of moms who continue to do things for their adult children instead of supporting them in learning to do those things for themselves (no judgment from me on this… I catch myself doing it sometimes, too!), but this question could apply to any transition. As I leave the world of active duty military families I know I will always be welcome, but if I keep too much attachment to the military community I may not plant new roots in the civilian world. There may be some things that are appropriate for me to move away from.

What were the feelings from that last season that you want to stay with you?

Maybe you can’t do the same things that created those feelings, but by identifying the feeling and working backwards you can come up with other things that provide that feeling.

For example, my husband and I went away on vacation for our 25th anniversary. When we returned, I missed the feeling of being unrushed we had while on vacation. This is not a feeling that is compatible with a busy life! I thought about how I could slow down a little and build some margin into my every day to find a sense of that unrushed feeling. I take my Sunday afternoon rest a little more seriously, because I want to experience that feeling more often.

What do you want to add to your life that is new or different in this next season?

Maybe your time demands are different.

Maybe the transition is already adding something new. In my husband’s case, a new job means different demands on his time. In my case, I will have more time to myself because of the changes in his job, as well as the empty nest that is fast approaching. I have some decisions to make about how I want to fill that time. If I don’t think about this, I think the time will be upon me and I will be bored, sad, or just feeling stuck.

This is a great time to do some dreaming.

Do you have some dreams that have been on the back burner?
Some hobbies you have always wanted to try?
Something you’ve wanted to learn?
Friends you never seem to spend time with?
When you are facing a change in you time demands, this is a great time to re-visit those things and make plans to work them in.

What ways might your relationships change?

Transitions bring growth, and growth brings change.

Relationships have to bend and flex to accommodate that change.

You may have to work a little harder to stay in touch with people from your last season or make new friends.

Your role may change. I mentioned before that I had to grieve the finality of the Mommy years, but my relationships with my kids are morphing into something equally wonderful, just different. In some ways, I may like this new role even better than the Mommy one. And someday, I may get to morph again into Grandma.

You may have to be more intentional about communicating with your spouse as you make these changes. In case you haven’t noticed, our spouses rarely think the same things we do. We have to be deliberate about communicating how the new season is hitting us, our hopes and dreams, our needs.

Sometimes we go through these seasons of transitions and we have difficult dynamics on top of those transitions. Sometimes a crisis throws us into transition. Sometimes we have challenging family situations that fall apart when we approach a transition. In those cases, this little blog post about moving through transitions may fall flat for you. It may be helpful to get some help from a therapist as you navigate whatever you are facing right now.

If that’s the case, give me a call. (Now that I am an empty nester, I have a little extra time on my hands!)

Reference

(1) Arterburn, S. (2005). Healing is a choice. Thomas Nelson, Inc.

Jennie Sheffe is a National Certified Counselor ™ who helps women find freedom from anxiety and peace in their chaos. She sees clients virtually in the state of Pennsylvania, or in her Carlisle, PA office. She offers Christian counseling and EMDR Therapy.

Things to Consider During a Life Transition