Is Perfectionism Good or Bad?
We all have a tendency to want to classify things as all one way or all another.
Is perfectionism all good? Or is it all bad?
Classifying things neatly on opposing sides seems to wrap it up in a tidy way so our brains know what to do with it.
However, many things in life are on more of a spectrum than a clear cut dichotomy, and perfectionism is no different.
Perfectionism, is not all bad, but it’s not always good.
How is perfectionism good?
It is motivating.
The obvious answer to this question is that it pushes us to do our best, and we can achieve excellent outcomes.
Just like a little bit of anxiety can be necessary to mobilize us for action to deal with some kind of threat, perfectionism can generate a healthy anxiety towards getting something finished, or done well.
Sometimes perfectionism can be downright necessary.
There are many career fields that come with an impeccably high standard of perfection.
Surgeons
Mechanics
Anyone who is intimately involved with nuclear equipment or weapons.
Pharmacists
These are the people whose job performance (or lack thereof) can create a deadly situation.
Other jobs require the careful attention to detail that a perfectionist brings to the table:
Accountants
Land Surveyors
Architects
You get the idea. Anything that involves precision is going to be something that depends on a certain level of perfectionism.
Being perfect is a desirable trait and gets a job done well. In some cases, it saves lives.
It helps us feel in control.
Perfectionism can just feel good.
Wouldn’t it feel soooooooooo great to be so good at everything that nobody questions us or blames us or says anything bad about us because we never make any mistakes? That would be a very safe feeling.
Especially to someone who carries wounds from not being perfect.
It can feel good in the moment, but this can be a false sense of safety, because we just can’t control how other people think of us at all times.
Everybody makes mistakes.
It can have some perks for those around us.
If we are so busy doing all the things, then the other people in our lives don’t have to step up. We don’t delegate things to them or count on them because they won’t do it right, or they won’t do it completely, or they won’t do it on our timeline.
As a result, they get to do what they want to do while we stress and obsess over every little detail and spend hours doing things ourselves.
(I am not finding many benefits, am I?)
You can see how counting on being perfect can get in the way of a satisfying life.
Let me flesh this out a little more.
How is perfectionism bad?
It stops action.
We can become frozen because we are waiting for perfection. We can miss out on some good things while we wait for the perfect time, the perfect conditions, or the perfect achievement level.
We can feel paralyzed in the face of decisions.
When we are afraid that we won’t make the perfect choice or the right decision, we stay stuck in our indecision. We may be waiting for the perfect amount of information that answers our doubts so we can feel 100% sure we are making the right decision.
A great many decisions are not super clear cut. Sometimes we have to look for the most right option, or the least wrong one and learn to tolerate the discomfort that comes with that.
Not taking action can be a sneaky defense mechanism to protect us from feeling the sting of failure. We can’t fail if we don’t even try, right?
It stunts our personal growth.
Ever notice that we tend to grow from our mistakes? Yet we are so afraid to make any mistakes.
Of course nobody wants to make a mistake, but when we stop fearing them so much we can learn from them instead.
It is based in fear.
We are not just afraid of mistakes, we are afraid of what people might think or say about us. We are afraid to be perceived as a failure (and usually we think we must be a failure if people find anything negative to say about us).
Living in fear does not make for a satisfying and fulfilling life.
It tanks our sense of self-worth.
If we always feel like we are never good enough, we can’t make peace with who we are.
We can never rest; we can never just be content.
And if we believe perfection is possible and attainable, then we always judge ourselves for not attaining it. Which brings me to my next point…
It is a lie.
Perfection isn’t possible. This is good news, because when we accept this, we can let go of chasing it.
Truthfully, we might be able to do some things perfectly, but that doesn’t mean total perfection all the time in all areas is possible. A surgeon may be (thankfully) perfect in the operating room, but due to the amount of time she has to put into perfecting that skill, she may need to be okay with other areas of her life lacking “perfection.” She may have to outsource things like cleaning her house, or she may have an extremely early and rigid bedtime so she can be sure to be rested enough for surgery the next day.
Being perfect at something comes with a price.
We get the idea that perfection is possible, because we see on social media that other people are doing all the things. (At least, we perceive that they are doing all the things.)
We wonder, how do they have enough time and enough money to do that and look perfect and be that talented all at the same time?
We don’t know what the rest of their picture looks like.
We don’t know what they are hiding, or the things that might be out of balance in order to achieve the appearance of having it all and doing it all.
It can be exhausting.
It’s time consuming to work on something until you get it just right. Doing this can keep us so busy we can’t get the rest we need or time to connect with our loved ones.
It is physically exhausting, but even more concerning, it is mentally/emotionally draining.
Perfectionism consumes our minds, especially if it is rooted in fear.
That fear generates anxiety and keeps our brains spinning, even once we finish the thing. We may be constantly thinking of ways it could have been better, beating ourselves up for not being able to get it done sooner. If we have some people pleasing stuff going on, too (which is often the case) we may be hypervigilant about how others receive the finished product.
Is it enough?
Will they think I am good enough?
Let me point out all the flaws I see in it, so they know I know it’s not enough.
It can increase stress, as well as unhealthy coping.
Perfectionism adds layers of pressure to our to-do list. Getting it done to perfect standards becomes an urgency, and urgency and pressure with anything often generate stress. Like I’ve mentioned, a little stress can be that extra oompf that pushes us to get something done or done well, but too much stress takes a toll on the body.
Too much stress can also cause us to adopt unhealthy ways of coping with stress.
Perfectionism itself can be an unhealthy way of coping. We see it in workaholism, eating disorders – that striving to do things perfectly or meet some impossible standard.
When we can’t meet the standard (because it is impossible) we may turn to things to numb ourselves from the discomfort of it all. I am thinking of things like substance use, excessive spending, scrolling, binge-eating. Sometimes even exercise can become an unhealthy coping mechanism.
These unhealthy ways of coping divert energy away from the unpleasant feelings in our body, but they also keep us disconnected from our lives.
Unhealthy ways of coping tend to create a cycle, because we can end up feeling shame that we are doing these things, and that makes us beat ourselves up (because we are not perfect) and so we retreat into these unhealthy coping strategies even deeper and keep the cycle spinning.
It has a negative impact on other people.
I mentioned that perfectionism can be good for the partner of a perfectionist, because they often don’t have to do as much, but if the perfectionist is secretly disgusted and resentful, relationship problems lurk just under the surface.
There are other ways perfectionism gets in the way of relationships as well.
The partner may get tired of the amount of time the perfectionist takes to complete tasks or the amount of obsession that goes into getting it right.
If they are trying to do something together, and the perfectionist is frozen in inaction, then that forces a choice on the partner: do it alone or wait for the partner and maybe miss out because the partner doesn’t get there. Both of these outcomes can create relational tension.
A partner of a perfectionist may be held to the same high standards that the perfectionist places on herself. Over time, this person may start feeling the burden of never measuring up to her expectations. They feel like the perfectionist partner can’t love them for who they are, because they never do anything good enough.
They may feel like have to spend a lot of time and emotional energy reassuring the perfectionist.
It’s good enough.
Others will love it.
You’re amazing.
You’re beautiful.
You’ve gone above and beyond.
The thing is, they can say things until they are blue in the face, but the perfectionist isn’t going to believe it. These kind (and usually very true) words will bounce right off the psychological defenses the perfectionist has in place, the very same defenses that keep her striving.
It can get in the way of genuine connection, especially if it is tied to people pleasing. When the standards of perfection we are trying to achieve are tied to what we perceive others to expect from us, it can be very easy to develop people pleasing habits. I have written an entire article about how people pleasing gets in the way of connection.
Here are some questions you may want to ask yourself to determine how much perfectionism might be interfering with your life.
Can I delegate, and actually let go of the task?
Do I stop short of trying new things because I am afraid of failing?
Do I put so much effort into things and then feel embarrassed that mine is so much better than everyone else’s?
Am I often resentful at others because I have to do everything?
Am I missing out on some things because it takes so long to get certain things right?
Am I often mad at others because they don’t do it right?
What meanings have I attached to “perfect” “right” and “imperfect”?
What feels unsafe about being imperfect?
What am I afraid will happen if I am not perfect?
How does perfectionism help me cope?
If answering these questions brings up a lot of emotion it may be important to get some help from a therapist.
The defense mechanisms that drive us to seek perfection are very skilled at keeping us from really understanding how perfectionism interferes in our lives. It may feel downright unsafe to feel the feelings you discover. Someone who is trained in working with those defense mechanisms with compassion and curiosity can help you feel supported while you do this work. A good therapist can help you adjust to a new way of interacting with the world as someone who is okay with her imperfections. Give me a call.
Jennie Sheffe is a National Certified Counselor ™ who helps women find freedom from anxiety and peace in their chaos. She sees clients virtually in the state of Pennsylvania, or in her Carlisle, PA office. She offers Christian counseling and EMDR Therapy.
