How to Break Up with Limiting Beliefs
She knew his car when she saw it.
How could she not? It was a bright yellow Datson that seemed to scream “GET A LOAD OF ME!”
It was her ex-boyfriend’s car.
Not just any ex, the first boy to break her heart.
So, of course, she followed it.
From a distance, mind you. She didn’t want him catching on to the fact that she was following him. She wasn’t even close enough to tell if someone was riding with him.
She had to know.
She wasn’t quite the stealth-maven she imagined herself to be. He ended up parking at the mall, where he unfolded his lanky frame out of that tiny car, looked right at her and waved.
She drove off as fast as she could, face red and hot with shame and stinging tears.
This is an example of what not to do when you break up with someone.
If you’ve done this, you are in good company. (In fact, “she” is me…many many years ago!)
Break-ups are just awful, and they are not usually a one-and-done kind of a deal.
You may have thoughts or dreams about your ex.
You may bump into him unexpectedly.
You may have children with this ex, and need to find a way to have this person in your life for the long haul.
When you do have an encounter, it can stir up all kinds of confusing feelings.
It feels like anything can trigger those feelings, a song, a smell, a phrase that used to be an inside joke.
It takes a long time to be able to tolerate those triggers without spiraling down a path of rumination about ourselves, the relationship, the prospects of ever finding love again.
But it can be done.
We can teach our brains to tolerate the discomfort of those triggers.
We can learn to separate the (often faulty) automatic thoughts from those triggers.
We can learn to notice when those thoughts come up, dismiss them, and move on.
I got to thinking that breaking up with a boyfriend can be similar to breaking up with some of our limiting beliefs.
It’s a process, and it involves us stepping out of familiar patterns.
That feels weird and uncomfortable at first. Sometimes there is “stuff” that lingers.
Sometimes we encounter triggers that seem to come out of nowhere.
I’m here to tell you that it is possible to get some healthy distance between you and your limiting beliefs, and it’s so rewarding to get to the other side!
How do we break up with limiting beliefs?
Understand that they come from other stuff.
Something happened in your life that led you to formulate and believe those limiting beliefs in the first place.
Trauma may play a big part in creating those limiting beliefs, but often more common experiences that seem more benign than “trauma” are the experiences that got the limiting belief ball rolling.
Limiting beliefs often start off as coping mechanisms.
You found yourself humiliated by something and declared, inwardly, “I need to be perfect so I never experience that again.”
You didn’t achieve something important to you and slowly stopped trying. You can’t fail if you don’t try, right?
It might be something somebody said to you over and over again, until you started saying it to yourself.
Your brain connects these past hurts and experiences into a network, which is also connected to that limiting belief. Some of the information in this memory network will be sensory information, which doesn’t always connect with language.
When anything triggers that memory network, your brain thinks, “I know just what to do! This limiting belief will keep us safe!” And you are off to the races, reacting the same way you did the first time you were triggered by that hurtful thing.
When you start to recognize that your limiting beliefs are just something you think, you can start to disconnect them from who you are.
Have realistic expectations.
It can be hard to even recognize your limiting beliefs, and once you do, it’s important to expect that they are going to come up sometimes.
Just like when an ex shows up when you are not expecting him to, our limiting beliefs tend to pop up like that, too.
It doesn’t take much to set off your brain’s alert system.
Your brain is going to trigger that belief at any reminder of something it has connected to that memory network.
When we expect that something might happen, we can take away the power of a surprise attack.
Just like that ex… we can think through the places we might expect to see him and make a plan for what we might say, how we might act when it happens.
Use this with caution, though.
You can get yourself stuck in some overthinking and anxiety if you are fearfully anticipating your limiting beliefs. People can get stuck in anxious responses planning for worst-case scenarios and that can create a whole new limiting belief
Again, like that ex. Remember how awful it can be to obsess over whether you might see him and spend time preparing so you are sure you look fantastic if you do.
Name your limiting beliefs when they come up
When we have realistic expectations, we respond to those triggers by saying, “I know what this is” and respond thoughtfully, instead of reacting in the moment.
If we react because some trigger has been activated, we are usually in a state of emotional flooding.
Our emotions have hijacked our brain and our prefrontal cortex (the rational part of our brain) has left the building.
Just the act of naming the limiting belief and reminding yourself, “That is something I used to think” can help get all parts of your brain working together to acknowledge your feelings and respond instead of reacting.
Practice some self-compassion
Getting that prefrontal cortex back online can also give you the wherewithal to decide to give yourself grace.
If you wallow in shame and self-pity, you will likely stay stuck in that feeling part of your brain, and keep the rational part of your brain out of the loop. When we do this, the negative stuff tends to grow, and we feel like we will never be able to make positive changes.
Self-compassion says things like,
“It makes sense that you were surprised by that automatic reaction. You are new at working on this.”
“I know that thought feels true. You spent a long time believing that one. It feels weird to think about something else.”
“You are not the only person working on things like this. And you are not the only person who has found herself accidentally reacting the way you used too.”
“So that didn’t go the way you would have liked. Look at the big picture! You have made so many positive changes. This was a hiccup, and it gave us information we can use to make a better choice next time.”
Plan some boundaries in advance
This involves knowing how it is probably going to show up and planning your response ahead of time, again using that rational part of your brain.
When do you find yourself reacting automatically?
Are there certain people/times of day/days of week/locations/other situations that tend to be present when you react that way?
Are there certain needs that feel unmet when you have those reactions?
Are there certain fears or anxieties associated with those reactions?
Identified the commonalities, so you’ll know when you need to be prepared.
Then, write out a plan for how you would like to respond to each one.
You can even spend some time imagining yourself handling those things the way you might like to. This gives your brain a kind of a roadmap to follow the next time you find yourself in that situation.
Keep your values front and center.
Spend some time identifying why you want to change those limiting beliefs.
How do those changes support your values?
How do they support the way you want to show up in the world?
Connecting to the reasons you want to make changes keeps you moving forward. Doing this reminds you that you are not okay with the status quo.
When your reasons connect with the values you hold dear, you have extra-compelling reasons to make those changes.
Check in with someone who knows your struggle
This one assumes you have a safe friend or loved one you can talk to about the limiting beliefs you are trying to overcome. I know, that can be a big assumption. Safe people can be hard to find, especially when you’ve been living with some limiting beliefs.
It is so helpful to loop someone in to get a reality check.
Just like you would when getting over an ex.
“Did you see the way he looked at me? Maybe I should call him.”
A good friend will probably tell you “NO!”
Sometimes the person you check in with is a therapist.
A therapist can help you identify the sneaky ways your limiting beliefs try to show up, and work with the trauma that may have caused you to cope this way in the first place.
A therapist can help you track your wins and adjust to how it feels to live without those limiting beliefs anymore. Sometimes it can be hard for those around you to do this, because you might be changing in ways that are not as convenient for them anymore.
A therapist can help you navigate these changes and the nuances that come with them.
Just like we create new relationships when we have broken up with someone, it’s possible to create new pathways in your brain. It takes time and a willingness to be intentional.
Let me know if you want some help.
Jennie Sheffe is a National Certified Counselor ™ who helps women find freedom from anxiety and peace in their chaos. She sees clients virtually in the state of Pennsylvania, or in her Carlisle, PA office. She offers Christian counseling and EMDR Therapy.
