Connecting With Others as a Military Spouse
It’s a new year, a new duty station, and your calendar is already filling up with events that feel a little nebulous to you.
Especially if your spouse is stationed at the Army War College.
You see titles of events that fill you with questions.
Is that going to be fun for me?
Will other spouses be there?
Is it kid friendly?
Will I be expected to go – is it going to look bad for my spouse if I don’t go?
What even is this event?
And what is the deal with duck-themed things at this duty station?
I have been posting quite a bit lately for military spouses because I want all the new War College families to feel seen and welcome at our post, in our community, at our local churches, and in my counseling practice. In any counseling practice, for that matter.
Today I want to write about why the abundant “mandatory fun” opportunities during the War College year are about more than fun.
Before you roll your eyes and throw your calendar across the room, hear me out.
The social structures the military provides build community.
Community is important to the military, because military units need to be unified to move forward on a mission.
Community benefits the mission and the service members, but it also benefits us as military spouses.
I have spoken before about the senior leader spouse that once said, in my earshot,
“Don’t suffer in silence.”
I come back to that phrase often, simply because I needed to hear it so much, and you might, too.
I felt a bit alone in my struggles with life as a military spouse back in the day. I was suffering in silence, and didn’t know how to speak up or who to speak up to. I am forever grateful that I got involved with spouse groups that enabled me to cross paths with that senior leader spouse.
You never know who is going to speak into your life and say exactly what you need to hear.
That is a whole different story for another blog post, but I as I write today about the importance of some of the ridiculous things we do to build community, I am reminded of her yet again.
Months before her husband’s retirement party, our spouses’ club was putting together a charity auction. My husband, always willing to provide some comedic theatrics, was supposed to perform a song at said auction.
It was around the time that the Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant malfunctioned in Japan, and most of the active duty service members at our base were called away to manage that disaster. Spouses and families stationed at the military installations close to Japan were being evacuated.
Since our base was one of the closest (safe) bases to them, planes full of military family members were steadily landing at our little terminal.
Our spouses’ group mobilized to partner with the base and the surrounding community to collect supplies to refresh and support these exhausted military families. It was mostly women and kids stumbling off the planes, having left their active duty spouse or parent in a volatile, unknown situation. Many of them had to sit for hours on the runway before even taking off, and aside from maybe being able to order an affordable box lunch, I am quite certain the flight across the ocean on a military plane lacked any perks like we enjoy on commercial airlines. Those planes are built for function, not so much comfort.
When they landed, we were there to help them in any way we could. Volunteers greeted them in the terminal with practical supplies, snacks, and coloring books or small toys to bring a smile to travel-weary children (this was before we had smartphones and ipads). Most importantly, the volunteers were there with a calming, encouraging presence, or a set of arms to hold a baby so a mom could go to the bathroom by herself. I had my own babies at the time, so I didn’t get to be at the terminal (we did NOT need more babies there!). My job was to drive around to various churches and community businesses collecting donated supplies, like water bottles, diapers, tooth brushes, etc. that might be useful at the terminal.
I have never felt more proud to be a military spouse.
As for our spouses’ club, we thought about postponing our planned charity auction. I mean, none of us had dates and we were all exhausted.
I’m so glad we didn’t, because it was the perfect way to blow off steam after that grueling week.
My husband was not there to sing the song he had prepared, so that’s why he sang it at my friend’s husband’s retirement party.
My friend pulled me aside and told me she was so glad that there were so many of her civilian family members at the retirement party, so they could see that “This is what we do.”
I knew exactly what she meant.
A military career is not just about the accolades and the missions accomplished. It’s about community. More specifically, it’s about building community while protecting the communities of our country.
Some of the things we do to build community may seem over-the-top or extra, but they create memories, and they bring us together.
When our spouses are deployed in harm’s way, those funtivities also give us a distraction from thinking about things we can’t control while we pass the time.
In community, we don’t feel so alone.
As a young pilot’s wife, when my husband was gone for weeks and home for a few days in between trips, life could get a little boring. If his mission took him somewhere dangerous, I did not need time alone with my thoughts.
Put on a little black dress to eat fancy food and play BINGO? Yes please!
Playgroups, Spouses’ Coffees, Bunco Night, Book Club… all of those things serve a purpose.
They create community.
Anecdotally, I think military communities form quicker than other types of communities because we have the common bond of military spouse-hood.
I found that when I tried to jump into church communities as soon as I moved, it felt a little hard to break in. I came on too strong. I wanted to make friends as soon as possible, but people outside the military community had friends already. They also had family. They did not always have time for the new girl.
Military communities are all about the new girl because we’ve all been the new girl! A military spouse does not bat an eye when her brand new neighbor asks her to be the emergency contact for the school paperwork.
Why am I telling you this?
Because maybe you are in one of those stagnant holding patterns while your spouse is deployed.
Maybe your life (whether you are a military spouse or not) is dependent on your spouse’s career and the ups, downs, and all-arounds that come with that career.
Maybe you are holding onto some resentment about this lifestyle, or your active duty spouse, and you wonder how you will get through without being bitter on the other end.
Maybe you are afraid to admit that you struggle sometimes. You think you are the only one (I promise, you are not!).
Maybe you got burned by another military spouse and you vowed never to do that again.
Maybe you are suffering in silence, like I was.
Maybe you need a reminder to seek community.
Ok, so it may not be easy to jump into a military spouse group and find the community and stress relief I just described. Sometimes these groups can be full of drama and it is hard to know who is safe to open up to. Not everyone embraces the “don’t suffer in silence” mindset (although, I think that might be changing).
You won’t know unless you give it a try.
I am not saying you have to go to all the things the War College offers you this year.
But do keep an open mind and see if there are some things you are willing to try.
It’s not really about eating a burger and watching a bunch of grown adults racing cardboard boats across the pool at Boatyard Wars.
It’s about making connections, remembering you are part of something bigger than yourself.
Look around. Every military spouse you see has a story. They’ve had some hardships.
None of them are perfect, even if they look like they are.
I bet most are eager to offer compassion and friendship, because they need it just as much as you do.
If you have additional reservations about connecting with others, maybe you want to start with a therapist (if this is you, give me a call!). I know it can be hard to trust other people. You may have had some experiences in the past that make it feel even harder for you.
This War College year is a year to rest and grow. This year offers a great opportunity for self-care, and building relationships is part of self care.
Don’t spend it suffering in silence.
Jennie Sheffe is a National Certified Counselor ™ who helps women find freedom from anxiety and peace in their chaos. She sees clients virtually in the state of Pennsylvania, or in her Carlisle, PA office. She offers Christian counseling and EMDR Therapy.
