4 Steps to Manage Imposter Syndrome
You notice an email from your boss. Oh, my gosh!
You are simultaneously scared to open it/can’t open it fast enough. What have I done now? Or not done? She is disappointed in me, I know it.
The email says she wants to talk to you after lunch. Gah! What? She hates me. She has found out that I am not actually good enough to do this job. Here it comes. I’m fired. How am I going to tell my husband? What am I going to do? Should I reply and apologize for my very existence? Maybe I should just quit, then she can’t fire me.
Turns out she just wanted to let you know that the job you just finished turned out well. Whew.
Why did my brain have to make such a big thing out of this? Ugh. I am so ridiculous. I know these thoughts are not accurate, but I can’t seem to stop them from coming, and I can’t seem to stop myself from believing them. I am a hot mess. No wonder she wants to fire me. Oh…wait.. she doesn’t, that’s right.
Welcome to the brain that struggles with imposter syndrome.
You might be tempted to think you are alone in this struggle, but it is actually very common. So common that many professionals feel as if they need this struggle to keep them on their toes in their field. They think that if they feel completely competent in their job, they will become complacent, stop learning, and do their clients a disservice.
Aquino (1,p. 52) defines imposter syndrome as “The feeling of inadequacy even when there is clear evidence of achievement – the persistent internal perception of self-doubt and fear of being discovered as a fraud.”
It looks a lot like insecurity, but Roché (2) pointed out a major difference. Insecurity often results in someone shrinking into themselves, making themselves small, but imposter syndrome does not usually keep someone from moving forward, taking risks. Imposter syndrome just keeps them feeling like an anxious mess the whole time.
People who experience imposter syndrome tend to have these types of thoughts (2):
Praise makes me uncomfortable; I am afraid I won’t be able to meet the expectations of the person who praises my work.
Even though I can look back on things that I have done to create my success, I am afraid I have just been lucky; I can’t replicate my success.
They are going to find out I don’t know what I am doing.
Other people are smarter, more capable than me.
I am not going to tell anyone about my promotion until it is publicly announced, in case they change their mind about me.
I have something to prove, so I need to work harder than other people.
I need to have a Plan B in my back pocket in case someone finds out I am not actually cut out for this job.
I want to hear that other people think I am doing well, but I don’t believe it when I hear it.
The personal impact of imposter syndrome may show up as (1):
Decreased productivity
Workaholism/imbalance/lack of self-care - We believe that effort drives success, but then we end up spending too much effort on achievement. When we do this, other areas of our life suffer and we feel unbalanced (and usually internally berate ourselves for not being a better mom/wife/daughter/human).
Burnout
Procrastination due to fear of failure or fear of success – if I pre-fail by procrastinating it’s just procrastination, it’s not an indicator that I am not good enough. If I procrastinate enough, I will never be successful, so I won’t have to live in the discomfort of people thinking I might be a fraud. I can’t fail if I didn’t try in the first place. (All of this is usually subconcsious, of course).
Failure to take risks – very similar to what comes up with procrastination. Or it just could be fear that I am not good enough, I don’t know enough, I have nothing to give that would benefit others.
Shame-based striving for growth - There is a fine line between healthy pursuit of perpetual growth and unhealthy striving for achievement. The former comes from a place of curiosity and humility, openness. It is energizing, inspiring. The latter comes from a place of shame, feeling “less-than” or “not good enough.” It is exhausting
Attributing success to luck or effort - It is hard to enjoy luck that comes your way because it removes a personal sense of control over success. If we depend on luck, and luck alone, then we doubt our ability to bring about our own achievement.
So how do we deal with imposter syndrome?
4 Steps to Manage Imposter Syndrome
Slow down
Managing imposter syndrome involves a mindset shift. Really, our entire culture could use a mindset shift, but if you have been following my blog posts for very long, you know that we can only control ourselves, so let’s start there.
Shifting our mindset involves lots of intentional work to slow down our reactions. We have to identify those automatic thoughts and understand where they come from, what is driving them? Quite often, we have trauma in our past that makes us question our worth or belonging. This trauma sneaks up on us and accuses us of not being good enough to do the job. It whispers that we will never measure up to others. Who do you think you are, trying to succeed at this thing?
I’ve written before about my FACETS framework to slow down our reactions - this tool comes in handy here.
Speak up
Shame loves to keep us trapped in our imposter syndrome thoughts. Shame dissipates when we talk about our fears, but it grows when we hold it in. It can be hard to know if a colleague is safe enough to share the struggle with, but maybe a loved one in your personal life or a counselor can be a safe person to talk to. Having someone objective to share this struggle with goes a long way towards the next step of accurate self-perception.
See yourself accurately
We need to learn how to view ourselves and situations in a realistic light. This involves learning how to really receive positive feedback, and also how to keep from making negative feedback a catastrophic event.
I remember a project in grad school where we had to receive and offer positive feedback and constructive criticism. Our professor insisted that we share the negative first. She mentioned research that indicated people do not hear the positive if we know something negative is coming. Well, even though we got the negative out of the way first that night, I still did not hear the positives. The next time we had an activity like that, I jotted down the positive feedback as my peers offered it. We were asked to process the experience of positive feedback afterwards, and I couldn’t. I didn’t immediately believe the things they said. It wasn’t until the next day, when I revisited that list, that I could allow those kind words to wash over me. I had to train myself to hear and believe the positive feedback instead of only focusing on the negative.
Self-compassion
I have personally found Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion (3) to be extremely helpful in training myself to see myself accurately. She lists the three tenets of developing self-compassion as self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.
Self-kindness reminds us to be gentle on ourselves, and the concept of common humanity reminds us that we are not the only ones who make mistakes or struggle. Mindfulness can help slow the thoughts down so we can get a reality check on what we are experiencing.
Realistically, sometimes we might need to do something better. I am not asking you to put on rose-colored-self-compassion glasses that allow you to ignore your mistakes or rest in a state of mediocrity. However, we do need to normalize our mistakes. We all make them, and they almost always bring growth. This is where the intersection of self-kindness and common humanity can really address imposter syndrome. Mindfulness helps us slow down long enough to be curious about the automatic reaction so we can celebrate our wins and/or find gratitude for our mistakes.
As a Christian, I am cautious when reading approaches inspired by other faiths, like Neff’s work on Self-Compassion(3). I, personally, want to make sure anything I adopt will line up with what I know from God’s word. I see some universality in the concept of self-compassion and grace. I realized I needed to give grace to myself and recognize my part in common humanity, undeserving of God’s grace but offered grace by Him nonetheless. Germer and Neff (4) conceptualize mindfulness as recognizing our pain. I agree that this is valuable, but in my own life I apply mindfulness to my relationship with God as well. When I slow down and allow myself to be mindful of and grateful for God’s grace in my life, I stay connected more accurately to my part in the big picture. This helps me stay away from catastrophizing and making mountains out of molehills.
The tendency to trend towards imposter syndrome may be something that never goes away for those of us who experience it. Maybe that is a good thing, something that keeps us humble and curious. But it doesn’t need to feel so anxious, so urgent. Therapy can help lessen the impact of deep-seated beliefs or trauma that heightens the negative emotions that flare when we get those imposter syndrome thoughts. EMDR Therapy is especially effective at taking the sting out of those automatic responses so we can get out of our own way. Please reach out if you want some help with this.
You notice an email from your boss. (hint of panic)
Oh, it’s just my imposter syndrome thoughts. Let me slow down and view myself accurately. (deep breaths) I can see that I want to think she must be disappointed with me, but I also know I am pretty good at what I do. What else is possible? Maybe it has nothing to do with my performance, my faults. But if I have made a mistake, I can apologize and learn from it. It doesn’t mean I am fired. I am not alone in feeling this way, lots of other professionals experience these thoughts, too. Let me take a few more breaths before I open that email.
References
(1) Aquino, J. (2020). Feeling like a fraud? TD: Talent Development, 74(7), 50–55.
(2) Roché, J. (2014). Conquering Impostor Syndrome: Lessons from Female and Minority Business Leaders. Leader to Leader 2014(74), 13–18. https://doi-org.ezproxy.messiah.edu/10.1002/ltl.20147
(3) Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. Harper Collins.
(4) Germer, C. K., & Neff, K. D. (2013). Self-compassion in clinical practice. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69 (8), 856–867. https://doi-org.ezproxy.messiah.edu/10.1002/jclp.22021
Jennie Sheffe is a National Certified Counselor ™ who helps women find freedom from anxiety and peace in their chaos. She sees clients virtually in the state of Pennsylvania, or in her office in Carlisle. She offers Christian counseling and EMDR Therapy.
