10 Tips for Managing Mixed Emotions (Especially During a Military PCS)
She looked around the echo-y house that held the memories of the most recent chapter of their lives. With all the boxes packed and husband and kids settled into a temporary lodging facility, she is alone with the echoes.
And her emotions.
Ohhhh the emotions.
Those don’t pack up so easily.
For those who are not in the military, it’s “PCS Season;” the time of year when families are moving. PCS stands for “Permanent Change of Station.”
It is a rollercoaster of emotions at a time when it is hard to slow down enough to acknowledge them.
It can feel completely overwhelming.
The circumstances around military moves are vastly different, so each person going through it can feel alone and misunderstood even though PCSing is a common denominator among military families.
Some families have been preparing for their moves for months, and some just found out they were moving yesterday.
Some families have no problem getting their move lined up, and may even have the luxury of doing a door-to-door move.
Others have to ship their vehicles and household goods months ahead of time and either camp out in their homes or live out of a hotel for weeks while they wait for their move. I remember a move when all 6 of us lived in a hotel room for a couple of weeks – there was a loft for some limited privacy, but the walls of the bathroom were glass. Talk about family togetherness! I had kept a crock pot, thinking we would not have to eat out all the time, but the sink in our hotel room was not big enough to really wash dishes… we had to wash our dishes in the shower. Living in a hotel gets old fast.
Sometimes the service member has to go on ahead and the military spouse is the one navigating all of it alone.
Sometimes kids are excited about the move, too young to really realize they will be leaving people that have become important to them during their time at that duty station.
Sometimes they dig their heels in and aim all kinds of resentment at their parents for making them move.
Strained relationships in the family can add an additional difficult nuance to a PCS.
Sometimes the move is towards or away from family. Depending on the dynamics of the family, this could be a good or a bad thing.
Those who are not in the military may think moving must be easy because we get these movers to come and pack for us. But we need to make preparations for the movers. We need to keep an eye out while they are there, so we can do whatever we can to make sure important things do not get broken in the move (they still do). Or that they don’t pack things like a full trashcan (yeah, that happened to us.). I recently heard a story from someone that the movers packed her CAT (who miraculously managed to survive the ordeal). They sometimes end up packing things they shouldn’t pack, but they don’t pack things like cleaning supplies, food, houseplants, batteries, so you then have to figure out what to do with all of that. Having movers come pack your things is helpful, but I wouldn’t call it easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy.
The last few weeks at the duty station are often a melee of activity. Aside from the official preparations, there are the good-bye parties/last events with friends. Often these things are happening in May, when the school system throws a lot of final activities into the calendar anyway.
All the while, we are managing the sadness of leaving friends, the end of a personal era, regrets of opportunities we maybe did not take during our time at that location, and the emotions of those we are leaving.
Sometimes people will inexplicably distance from us; it is a way they protect their own emotions from the pain of saying good-bye.
Sometimes they express sentiments of resentment that we are leaving, as if there was anything we could have done to stay longer.
Simultaneously, we are maybe nervous about the unknowns of the new location, frazzled with the details of getting set-up there, and excited about the adventures that await.
In some ways, it is easier to be the one moving, because we are going into something new instead of feeling the void of loss. And we can feel guilty about this.
Whether you are in the middle of a PCS, or just any time of life where you are experiencing mixed emotions, I’d like to offer some strategies for your consideration.
Tips for Managing Mixed Emotions
Take time to feel your emotions.
Of course, you need to function, so you might not be able to take that time in the exact moment they come up, but make sure you take some time during the day to consider how you are feeling. When we push our emotions down, there is usually some kind of negative consequence eventually. We may find ourselves blowing up over something trivial, or we may experience bodily symptoms, like stomach problems, insomnia, or fatigue. We can be like pressure cookers – we need a controlled way to vent the steam.
Name your emotions.
Sometimes the uneasy feeling we get from our emotions is because we are experiencing them without knowing what we are experiencing. Emotions are feelings in our bodies, and when we name them, we get a different part of our brain involved in addressing them. Naming our emotions is a way to connect our thoughts to what we are feeling and get the whole brain working on the issue.
Journaling is a great way to set aside time to address our emotions.
I have written at length about journaling (here, here, and here). I am often amazed at what comes up when I sit down to journal – it is a way of corralling all of the thoughts and feelings that roam the periphery of my brain. Simply start with “Today I feel….” If you want something more structured, you might try my FACETS model of journaling. One benefit of journaling is that it can help contain those emotions to a specific time. It lets your body and brain know, “OK, NOW is the time to vent, and once I close the journal we don’t have to keep thinking about this anymore.” When you build this into a regular practice, your brain can set aside things it used to ruminate on, because it knows you are going to make time to get into it.
Get comfortable thinking in a both/and mindset.
Our brains can naturally trend towards categorizing something as all one way or all another. It’s a way we can package it all up in a tidy little box that make sense. But doing this can ignore the complexity of what we are actually feeling and shut down some of our emotions (see #1 about shutting down emotions). We sometimes need permission to allow opposing emotions to happen at the same time.
I can feel both sad that I am leaving friends and excited about getting to live somewhere new.
I can feel both concerned about my child’s adjustment to this move and proud of my spouse’s accomplishments.
I can feel both nostalgic about our time at this duty station and relieved that we get to move out of this house that had problem after problem.
Identify the parts of your overwhelm.
When we are overwhelmed, we are often looking at all of the little things as ONE BIG HUGE THING and it seems unbearable. When we break down our overwhelm into parts, they seem more manageable. Doing this helps us see what might be helpful to prioritize. You can check out more details on a process to manage overwhelm here.
Do what you can to take care of yourself.
Although there is SO MUCH TO DO, resist the urge to skimp on sleep. Make yourself eat meals and drink enough water. Try to schedule some down time into your days where you can take even just a small break from the chaos. Taking care of yourself equips you to handle stressful times better, which trickles down to the rest of the family.
Recognize that everyone else in your home is probably having big emotions, too.
They may need to deal with them differently than you do. Try to make space for that and speak up about your needs. If your spouse wants to brush things off too quickly, voice your need to verbalize your emotions, or to go to that one place one more time. Help your children name their emotions and give them permission to feel however they feel. Maybe have a family meeting about being intentional about giving each other grace.
Remember this is a time of transition.
It is temporary. You want to do it well, feel the feelings, get the closure. Rushing through it might leave you with regrets. Reminding yourself that you will feel settled again can be a comforting thought.
Ask for help.
This can be so hard for someone who is used to being the one who helps others. Let your church group know that bringing healthy meals to you while you are living in a hotel would be helpful. See if you can get a friend to come over and clean your empty house – or hire someone to do it if you can afford that. See if your kids can have a playdate at someone else’s house so you can focus on the tasks at hand.
Look for the silver linings.
I am not positing that you reframe all the negative things as good (remember #4 about both/and), but find the good things. They have a way of becoming more obvious as you look for them.
Personally, I used to thank my grief about leaving a place, because I knew it meant that I made good memories there.
Losing friends meant I had friends to lose.
I felt a special kind of exhilaration when I thought of a few days of my husband, kids and I in the car with nothing but each other – it was a break from the normal responsibilities of life, an adventure that only we would share. Even if it was not quite a vacation.
How often do your kids get to make forts and mazes with a houseful of moving boxes? There are ways to relish the little joys that come with the transition.
Military life can be a wild ride. Any transition can feel this way, though; we all end up taking rides on emotional roller coasters at different times in our lives. Using tips like these can help us buckle up so we can do our best to enjoy the ride.
If you are PCSing to Carlisle Barracks, I am here to help! You may be coming to this duty station with some emotional boxes that need to be unpacked.
I have a soft spot in my heart for military spouses.
Please reach out securely on my website or give me a call (717-219-4339).
Jennie Sheffe is a National Certified Counselor ™ who helps women find freedom from anxiety and peace in their chaos. She sees clients virtually in the state of Pennsylvania, or in her Carlisle, PA office. She offers Christian counseling and EMDR Therapy.
